


Side Effects: Insomnia

by Jij



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2020-07-17 22:56:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19964605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jij/pseuds/Jij
Summary: "My love that shines for you like a dream""like a dream that disappears after a nightI'm afraid I'll forget you"***Chan hasn't had it easy in his life. Plagued by insomnia, his life seemed as if in a haze. Day after day, lecture after lecture; he just wanted to graduate with a degree in economics to get a stable job and also a stable life. Throughout his years at university everything went just like he had expected it to. He studied, he passed, and he went on. However, he didn't expect to find love along the way. Much less self-love.Another fic in which Chan doesn't sleep and Woojin comes to his rescue. More or less                         [edited]





	1. Chapter 1

It was the first day, the first Monday of Chan's third year in university and that meant only one more semester until he was going to write his thesis and start a new chapter of his life; building a stable career with a degree in economics in his hands. It would mean financial independence, but also probably a 9 to 5 desk job in a grey office building. And even if that prospect seemed to be exciting to the rest of the students in his class right now, who eagerly filled into the room this morning, for Chan the future appeared to be just as exciting as his class right now - not at all. So far, he had been able to find comfort only in the fact that he was sure to find any kind of job through his qualifications in economics. That has also been his first and only reason for choosing this specific major. He felt like he had to, with his parents having passed away and his only financial support being his uncle, Chan didn’t want to be a burden anymore. And just like that he had worked through two years of the most boring classes with the most boring people in university. Chan often found himself jealous of his two best friends, Jisung and Changbin; They were studying music composition with a passion. A passion that he shared with them, but nevertheless he couldn’t find it in him to invest the tuition money of his uncle in such a risky career field. So, instead he worked on small music projects with his two friends in their free time. They always had a lot of fun together and often fantasized about having their own shows as a rap trio.

But right now, Chan was sitting in his 8am lecture, his mind foggy and his attention only partially focused on todays topic, trying very hard not to let his head drop onto the table to get some shut-eye. Suddenly, there was the high-pitched clanking of a pencil being dropped onto the floor right next to him. He jerked his head up rapidly and tried to focus on what was going on. A brown-haired boy was diving underneath the table, cursing under his breath and trying to fetch the pencil that wanted to escape him. After a short moment the boy was back in his seat right next to Chan. When did he even get there? Chan must have been too preoccupied wishing to be somewhere else to notice. The boy, now looking at him, did not seem familiar to him. His hair was of a warm brown color and so were his eyes, peeking through his long bangs. They were crinkled at the corner, smiling at him. He was wearing a simple dark green sweater, which complemented his honey skin in a very flattering way. Belatedly, Chan noticed that the boy just whispered an apology to him. He blinked at the stranger and slowly shakes his head, mustering a smile to indicate that he did not mind the interruption caused by the noise. He hadn’t been paying attention to anything the professor was saying anyways. And quite frankly, he was also not planning on doing so. He always passed his exams anyways.

“My name is Woojin, I just transferred here,” the boy said just loud enough for him to understand but quiet enough not to disrupt the other students listening to the lecture.

Still slightly dazed he just smiled weakly and answered, “I'm Chan, nice to meet you”.

The new boy, Woojin, beamed at him in return and after a small encouraging nod he turned his head towards the lecturer to listen.

For lunch he met up with Changbin and Jisung in a green area on campus. There were a few tables in the small park in front of the music faculty. The music and the business lecture halls were located in different buildings and to their dismay they were quite far apart. However, because of the calming atmosphere underneath the trees, Chan regularly took it upon himself to walk the distance from his faculty to the building of his friends for lunch break.

Chan was currently stabbing at a spinach leaf in his salad, deep in thought, recalling the somewhat puzzling encounter he has had in his first class. Next to him Jisung and Changbin were talking about their new classes.

“Channie! How are your classes so far? Are they actually useful this year?” Jisung looked at him with big sparkly eyes.

He sighed. Why couldn't he be this cheerful on a normal Monday? Or ever, actually. “Hm, not really. The same dull topics, the same dull people.”

Yeah, the same dull and boring business students, not one of them struck Chan as interesting. Not one, well, until this morning. The new student had sparked his interest. From what he’s seen, the boy did not dress very flashy, nor did he behave in an odd way. Nothing about his appearance stood out, nevertheless there was something that made him look very unique. His features, he noticed, were sharp yet soft and so was the air surrounding him. An air of ambivalence, like he would be fierce enough to fend of any attacks the universe has in store, but caring enough to raise fluffy kittens. Chan shook his head slightly. Why would he have these kinds of thoughts about a new student of whom he only knew the name of and had minimal social interaction with? And fluffy kittens?? It must have been the sleep deprivation once again. He hadn’t been sleeping well lately, but what’s new? Nevertheless, the feeling of curiosity settled in the back of his mind and he might just use it to try and motivate him for the morning classes that are yet to come.

“Hey Chan, should we meet up this evening to work on our song? Changbin has a few ideas that we can try out.”

Chan looked up from his food that he was staring at very intently just until now. He stared at them for a short while, registering the words. “Oh yeah, sure. I also wrote some lyrics. They might not be that good though…”

“Well, we will see about that this evening, I’m sure we can work it out,” Changbin grinned at him.

Jisung started bouncing in his seat, “Let’s order chicken tonight to celebrate the start of the new school year!”

Changbin scoffed, “What is there to celebrate? I think we should rather prepare for some tough times in our third year”

“Well, I guess, as long as we order food that argument is fine with me as well”, Jisung chuckled, scratching the back of his head.

***

The next morning Chan found himself once again tired and groggy in his much-dreaded business lecture. Currently he was trying to drown in his favorite oversized sweater to escape the harsh world of academics. His bleached hair was a mess and his under-eyes were decorated with a dark hue.

Chan really hasn’t been sleeping well recently. Actually, he hasn’t gotten a good night’s rest in months, but lately it’s worse. It was supposed to be a common side effect of his medication that he needed to take every evening; he knew that. The medication was necessary to prevent much worse than a few sleepless nights, so he just accepted the zombie-like state he was in most of the times. Thinking about it, he didn’t feel like the side effects were particularly disabling to him. Chan has gotten used to the sleep deprivation, studying and making music on 3 hours of sleep per day just fine. His friends didn’t mind either, they knew about his circumstances and were still enjoying his company. And for that he was very grateful. He himself probably wouldn’t hang out with him that much. Under normal circumstances he would want himself to be more energetic and open and more outgoing, and … just better. Under normal circumstances though. And these circumstances were just out of reach these days. So, he figured, being appreciative of his friends was his best bet at the moment.

Everything worked just fine, even though on mornings like these, he wished he - “Good Morning!” Startled, Chan turned to the side just to be greeted by a blinding smile, which left him frozen for a moment.

A morning person, huh? Chan couldn’t comprehend how anyone could be so full of energy at 8 o’clock in the morning. He also thought that it was really unfair, how – at the asscrack of dawn - this boy was able to look effortlessly handsome, just like one of these male leads in a drama on tv, while he - “You look like shit.” Ah yes, exactly. He did indeed look like shit this morning. Thank you, kind sir. Good observation skills. But also, how was this new student insulting him just like that? He was about to send his seat neighbor a cold glare, when he noticed that the boy, Woojin he remembered, did not look at him with any malicious intent whatsoever, but rather with concern.

“Rough night? Do you want some of my coffee?” Woojin offered with a warm smile.

Chan hadn’t noticed, but indeed there was a steaming cup of coffee in front of the boy. It smelled comforting.

However, Chan shook his head: “No, thank you. It smells like it could be my saving grace, but I can’t have caffeine.”

At that the look of concern merged into a worried frown on Woojins forehead. Frowning at the coffee, he muttered a confused, “What’s that supposed to mean?” and then even more quiet “How does that even smell like?”

Chan panicked slightly not wanting to come off as rude, “Ah, it’s just because caffeine doesn’t go well together with the pills I take. Nothing to worry about, it’s fine.” He gave a reassuring smile, hoping Woojin would ease his expression too. Somehow, he felt the urge to feel his warm gaze on him again and sure enough Woojins face softens.

“Oh, I see. As long as you’re fine.” It looked like he wanted to say something else, but at that moment the professor entered the room and the students naturally took it as cue to be quiet and so did he. There was another exchange of looks before they silently decided to at least try and focus their attention on today’s lecture.

Later at lunch with Jisung and Changbin, Chans thoughts were once again preoccupied with a certain someone that recently started showing up to his classes. Well, to their classes, he corrected himself. Jisung and Changbin were rambling about their recent track. Usually, Chan would too, but today the natural pattern of the wooden table seemed to be mesmerizing to him.

“Hey Chan, head in the clouds again? I asked about your ideas for the chorus. I feel like the chord progression is a bit odd.”

“Oh, sorry Changbin. Actually, I am a bit distracted. I didn’t tell you yesterday, but there is a new student in my morning lectures.”

Jisung looked confused, “So? How is that special? Transfers happen all the time.”

“Yeah I know, it’s just…” Chan struggled with the right words “this is gonna sound stupid, but I think he wants to be friends? With me? It’s just new to me. You guys know, I’ve been around you for so long, interacting with other people is just strange.” Chan let out a nervous breath. A moment of silence.

His friends exchanged a look before Changbin cautiously started, “You know, if you try and befriend him too, that might be good. We were wondering, if you don’t feel lonely in your lectures and in the economics building, not interacting with anyone.”

Chan made an acknowledging sound, not meeting their gaze and suddenly looking uncomfortable.

Changbin sighed,” You know, we were also thinking about next Saturday.” He stiffened visibly. Changbin continued,” We know you’ve been better these days, but we still want to offer you to stay with us on that day.”

“I will be fine, you should enjoy your weekend,” Chan answered quickly, a wary smile tugging at his lips.

Jisung was now visibly frustrated, “Just being fine could also be better, you know? We will enjoy our weekend, if we can be sure that you are not just miserable at best.”

Changin put a hand on Jisungs shoulder to calm him down, “ Just think about it and text us if you want us to come over, alright?”


	2. Chapter 2

Chan was sitting in his lecture hall waiting for his professor to enter and start the lecture. Woojin was right next to him once again. For late summer, it had been uncharacteristically warm the last few days, making the air heavy and the room feel stuffy. Chan tried to fan himself with his hand to get at least some air circulation, which would hopefully cool him down. “Is a degree in economics really worth suffocating in this hell hole for?” he asked himself in a whisper.

Woojin next to him hummed, “Absolutely! I will happily visit this hell hole every day, if it means I can be the CEO of an e-mart one day.” He looked oddly pleased with this ambition, smiling with his chin tilted upwards and a confident gaze directed to the front. Chan hadn’t been expecting to receive such an answer or any answer actually. 

“Don’t you have a goal?” Woojin asked, looking at him expectantly.

After contemplating for a few seconds, thinking about what he wanted to reveal about himself, he finally answered, “Not really, I just want to get a job which pays enough. To be honest, economics kinda sucks.” He shrugged.

Chan had decided to not let Woojin in on his whole family story to further explain why he was enrolled in the subject. At least for now, because what Changbin said the other day comes to his mind again and he thought he should really try and befriend this guy. Woojin seemed easy going and like he wouldn’t judge Chan, no matter what kind of crazy shit he would tell him. Woojin also made his mornings a bit less cruel, just as bearable as it can get when you have one restless night after the other. At the beginning of his studies Chan had successfully scared every other student away that wanted to become friends with him. He didn't want to be rude, but why did they think it would be a good idea to suddenly plop into the seat next to him, invade his personal space and start blabbering in a high-pitched voice about how much they admire Alan Greenspan?? He couldn’t fathom what was going on in their minds, but they were allowed to keep it to themselves. (But who was that Alan guy anyways? Is he supposed to know??) All possibilities of human interaction out of the way, he then had expected to complete his degree with no further interruptions of that sort. However, now his routine of sleeping through the lectures was being interrupted nonetheless. And he didn’t care? He really didn’t mind at all. If it’s Woojin, he thought, he might even enjoy it. Woojin was just different, but in the best way possible and that answer just now? He just wanted to own a shop and that was it? Chan was intrigued.

“Uhm, so why do you want to run a convenience store?” Chan had decided that he wanted to put effort in this conversation and to satisfy his curiosity. The lecturer seemed to be late anyways. 5 minutes already.

“Oh, it’s just an idea I got when I was younger. My little toddler-self would apparently go on and on about how he really wanted to work in a convenience store that we passed on our way home from kindergarten. At least that’s what my parents told me. I guess, I just want to make a lot of money,” he answered with an airy laugh. Then, on a more serious note,” how come you chose a major that obviously bores you to death? There are other degrees that will guarantee you a job, you know.”

“I know, but other majors that would guarantee me a stable job don’t interest me either. I just chose whatever I thought was bearable.”

Woojin nodded, acknowledging what he had said, “Then what does interest you?”

Good question... and a perfect opportunity to get to know each other better. And just like that Chan waved his social anxiety good bye and commited himself to befriending this person.

“To be honest, my whole life there has only been one thing that caught my interest. Music.” Looking at him he noticed that Woojin gazed back at him with a mix of surprise, curiosity and even a hint of… pity? Chan continued,” Music has always been my way of being creative, of expressing myself. It helps me sorting my emotions and articulate my opinions. I’ve been pursuing music as a hobby ever since discovering my love for it. However, my family… well, let’s just say my financial resources are close to nonexistent and I really need to make sure that I can sustain myself in the future and hopefully also pay someone back.” Finishing his little monologue with a heavy exhale, he looked at Woojin. Their gazes met and Chan turned shy upon noticing the intensity with which Woojin looked at him.

“I’m sure things will work out!” and with a sheepish smile he added,” and hopefully you also won’t hate your job too much.”

“Thank you, Woojin. We’ll see about that.”

“Anyways, I’m still rooting for your music career. Your passion alone gives me the impression that you deserve to get recognition in that field. Can I listen to some of your stuff? Do you have a soundcloud or something?” Woojin inquired.

A bit taken aback, Chan blushed, “Uhm, maybe I can show you a few tracks some time, but I’m not sure whether you would enjoy it that much. Thinking about it, I would honestly rather not. For now. I’m sorry.” Chan mentally face palmed. Way to go, Channie. He suddenly lost confidence in himself, maybe it would be better if –“It’s okay. You don’t have to. I’m sorry that wasn’t very sensible of me. I understand that music is a very personal matter and something that can make you feel very exposed. Don’t worry.”

Once again Chan was surprised. Woojin just gets it, no scratch that, Woojin gets him. He really seemed to understand. However, Chan felt himself starting to panic. He just ruined an opportunity to get closer to this boy. His mission – befriend the one guy in his class who’s actually interesting god dammit- was in danger! So Chan just blurted out, “Let’s meet!” Oh shit. “I mean, after class, eventually, to study or ... uhm ... something. Only if you want to, of course.” Wow, so smooth. Chan mentally face-palmed once more.

Woojin just chuckled lightly and grined at him, “Sure, I would like to.” And teasingly added, “You know, after class, eventually, to study or something.”

Chan just looked at him, embarrassed and his ears turning red. Woojin was laughing once again, but stops after a few seconds as their teacher stormed into the room, profusely apologizing for the delay and moving on to todays topic right away. 10 minutes late. Chan was glad.

***

The sun, bright and unobstructed by any clouds, shone into Chans bedroom, to wake him gently. He stirred awake and the first thing he always does was looking at his digital clock. It was the 7th of September, a Saturday, and currently half past eight. The good thing is that he calculated his sleep duration to be a bit more than 5 hours, which he considered a success (sadly). The other thing is the date, it means today is the day that he just needed to survive somehow. It’s been 9 years. Chan was 13 years old when he and his parents got involved in a car crash with devastating consequences. They were on their way back home from their summer vacation when a truck in front of them lost its cargo. Some kind of metal object used for construction had pierced through their dashboard and crashed into the car’s driver and front-seat passenger. Chan decided, he doesn’t want to deal with the upcoming memories just yet and pushed them to the back of his mind.

He roled out of bed with a blanket wrapped around him and dragged himself into the small kitchen. In his burrito form he settled down at the small kitchen table after turning on the coffee machine and waited for the coffee to be done. He lived in one of the university dorms, which are surprisingly nice. His room even got a small kitchen and a tiny bathroom with a shower attached to it, all to himself. Only the living room and the laundry room was shared among the students. Chan was content with his living situation, he had heard of students who had it much worse. His mind drew a blank, only listening to the dripping sounds that the coffee machine was producing. He was waiting for his decaf coffee. Honestly, one of the most annoying side effects of his medication was its incompatibility with caffeine. Chan had always found peace in his morning coffee before. To him it felt like someone gently shook you awake. However, after his doctor changed his medication and told him he couldn’t drink coffee anymore, because of the arousing substance in it, he was disturbed. Not to be dramatic, but his whole morning seemed to be ruined. Luckily, he quickly discovered decaffeinated coffee. Chan took out his favorite mug with cute bear applications and poured the freshly brewed liquid into it. Sitting at the table again, he enjoyed the intense taste and the warm feeling. However, promptly and without any apparent reason, he felt a cold feeling trickle down his back.

_How much longer?_

_We should be home soon, just be patient, Chanie_

Chan shakily put his coffee mug down.

_The traffic is terrible today_

The cold feeling pooled in his stomach and froze him up from the inside. The rhythm of his breathing became unsteady and he began to tremble. Chan noticed that these are symptoms he usually experienced before a panic attack. He had talked about this and about what to do in these situations in therapy before. Still, he felt paralyzed and unable to think clearly. Wrapped in his blanket, he slid down from his sitting position in the chair to the ground and curled into himself.

_The truck in front of us seems to be in trouble. Be careful._

_How much longer until we get home? Mom, I want to – Oh, careful, dear! Steer to the side!!_

Chan choked on his own spit, tears started spilling from his eyes, running down his cheeks. His chest ached and he wanted to scream, but his body wouldn’t allow him. Whimpering and shaking, he was just lying there on the ground. The white tiles of the kitchen floor were now sticking to his wet cheeks, he noticed, but didn’t find it in him to care. He just wanted it to be over. He wished the voices would disappear and to stay with him all the same. Why did the most vivid memory of his parents also needed to be the most horrifying.

Chan had been lying in the kitchen for what feels like an eternity when his phone rang. He had put it on the kitchen table, he remembered. Slowly, he sat up and grabbed his phone. It had only been an hour, since he drank his coffee. Half of the mug was still filled with the once comforting liquid, but now it was cold. Jisung was calling. He briefly considered not to take the call, but he remembered that he shouldn’t worry the people who probably cared the most about him in this world.

“Yes,” he managed to croak into the device. His voice was strained, but he hoped Jisung doesn't notice that he has been crying.

“Hey, Changbin and I just want to check up on you. How are you doing?”

Chan was sure that Jisung knows exactly how he was doing right now. The tone of his voice was a dead giveaway. Somehow, he felt irritated. Why did he have to ask, if he knew already anyways? What was it he wanted to hear? Yeah, I was just lying on the kitchen floor not moving for an hour, because I had a panic attack? Because my parents were violently ripped from the world of the living 9 years ago?? Shit. He was dangerously close to the edge once again, one more step and his thoughts would spiral down the bottomless pit that was his trauma once more – “Chan, it’s okay. You will be alright. I get Changbin and we will be there in a few minutes. I’ll bring some snacks and video games.”

“Okay,” Chan managed to whisper into his phone. “See you in a bit.”

In a way that Chan just could not comprehend, Jisung always knew when he was in a bad place and he always knew when his presence was needed. Once again he felt eternally grateful for his friends and at the same time guilty for making them worry about him.

True to his word, Chan found Jisung standing in front of his door, next to him Changbin with a bag of snacks and what looked like a Mario kart set.

“Channie! We brought your favorite gummy bears. I’m going to set everything up in your room.” Jisung exclaimed cheerfully. Careful as to not remind Chan why they were actually there, his friends made a noticeable effort to keep up the mood. They knew that if they would try to comfort him on this day right away, Chan would shut down. So, their strategy for today was to do their best at distracting him from reliving his memories.

And they were successful. After 4 hours of merciless kart racing and falling off the rainbow road, all three of them were sprawled on the soft carpet on Chan's room.

“Ha losers! I totally crushed both of you on the Moo Moo Meadows,” Changbin teased. Chan laughed bitterly. What Changbin said sounded ridiculous and yet still managed to bruise his ego. He used to have confidence in his Mario kart skills. Whatever, he did manage to win a couple of times. Changbin just played this game way to often.

“Oh, before I forget. Minho invited us to a small party at his place tomorrow evening. No big deal, just like a back to school party. I guess we need to get into the student life again and get drunk the night before Monday lectures,” he scoffed, “Anyway, do you want to go there with us?”

Chan contemplated his options. He had nothing to do this Sunday. There is no assignment due and he wouldn’t be working on their music when Jisung and Changbin were gone anyways. Furthermore, he recognized his friends attempt at getting him out of his room for once.

“I think I’ll come with. Text me the details later, yeah?” He nodded and looked up to check his friend’s reaction. Changbin looked at him with a satisfied expression and Jisung had gotten visibly excited already.

“Great! Yes, I’ll text you the address and everything. Changbin is going to drive us there and we’ll pick you up at like 9pm, I think.” 

It was dark outside. His friends left a few hours ago and Chan was feeling tired. Exhausted. So, he decided to go to sleep or at least to lie down. Staring at the ceiling, his mind started to ruminate. He relived memories and analyzed his relationship with his parents, family, friends and today even Woojin. It was a distressing process, negative emotions, recognizing his faults once again and coming to the crushing conclusion that he should’ve done things differently, that he surely could’ve done something differently. He could’ve done better. Why couldn’t he just function? Recently, considering his past, he had been doing better. However, to the average college student, who’s default state was already concerning, he must have seemed like a wreck. Well, where was the lie? He remembered his panic attack this morning. It felt similar to how it was now, but Chan had grown numb. Already accustomed to this state, he didn’t feel shocked like he did this morning and that probably saved his night. Like that, he just continued staring at his bedroom ceiling, tears silently making their way from the corners of his eyes down the sides of his face, until sleep pulled him into welcoming nothingness.

***

Chan already wanted to go home. After he fell asleep yesterday, he experienced some rather abstract nightmares- They left him feeling abandoned, mocked and empty. It was safe to say that he didn’t feel rested at all. Still, he was sitting on a couch in between a rowdy bunch of boys his age and stared at the brown liquid that sat in the plastic cup in his hand. It was some kind of whiskey, he suspected. Should be, he isn’t exactly sure. Jisung mixed it and just told him that it would make the party a lot more fun. Jisung himself had been smashed already. He knew that, not only because he literally screamed that information right into his face, but also because Jisung knew that Chan shouldn’t have alcohol at all. So, in a sober state Jisung wouldn’t have had the ingenious idea of mixing him a drink. Alcohol was another thing that didn’t go well with his meds. Nevertheless, Chan actually weighed the pro and cons of drinking this mysterious liquid. He wasn’t exactly sure how bad the reaction with his medication would be, but he was feeling worse and worse anyways. Tired, stressed and overwhelmed by the crowd of people, he decided that it couldn’t get worse and that maybe he would find it in him to socialize. Everything’s easier while you’re intoxicated, right? In this moment, he was suddenly glad that Changbin wasn’t there. He would’ve probably argued a good point to him that would’ve brought that cup out of his vicinity. That night, however, he didn’t want to hear the voice of reason, didn’t want to listen to any kind of voice. He felt like he had the right to experience the recklessness of youth that was usually replaced by the wariness of childhood trauma for him. Here we go again. No, he didn’t want to think about it. Not tonight, not ever again. He chugged the liquid. One, two, three. He laughed out loud. Why had he been so dramatic about this simple drink? He felt just peachy. Some of the people at the party were looking at him weirdly, but Chan didn’t notice. He wanted to find his two friends now and simply have a good time. So, he got up from the couch and threw himself into the small group of people on the make shift dance floor, in which he would probably find Jisung. Easily enough he found Jisung dancing and patted him on the shoulder to get his attention.

Jisung turned around with a surprised expression and joked, “Chanie! Don’t tell me you want to go home already.” Jisung laughed at him.

Chan wants to laugh too and tell him –

_How much longer?_

His face fell. No. His insides began to churn. Why?

_I want to go home now!_

He looked at Jisung in front of him. His face began to contort itself. His left eye was being swallowed by some kind of black matter, that reminded him of a burning photograph. Everything tilted in a weird angle. He opened his mouth to say something. However, that wish wasn’t granted as his knees grew weak and buckled underneath him. He fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update! I just really want to get this fic going. Thank you for the kudos on the first chapter, I hope the second chapter also didn't disappoint. I want to quickly note that business can be a very interesting subjects and people who enjoy it are not boring per se, I feel like I'm slandering the whole thing. Sorry!   
> Hmm, there is not much to say, so let me recommend a song to you that fits the first mental breakdown 😅 I Need Somebody (누군가 필요해) by Day6! Alright, I think the next update will be on sunday :)


	3. Chapter 3

After collapsing in the middle of the dance floor he had been dragged to a nearby couch, Chan remembered vaguely. He had regained some of his consciousness rather quickly. Still dizzy he's had a brief conversation with Changbin. He couldn’t remember the words at all, but his friends must have decided that his condition wasn’t serious and that he just had to go to bed. And maybe had to drink some water too. And thus, he found himself in his bed on Monday morning being harassed by the alarm of his phone that signaled him to get up. That was a rare occasion. Since Chan had a very light (and short) sleep, he usually woke up even before his phone reminded him to. It was 7 am, that meant he must have slept nearly seven hours. Another rare occasion. He did feel like his mind was getting more and more focused by the second. But then again, every time he moved his head too quickly there was a sharp pain at the base of his neck. With a sigh, he got up and ready for his morning lecture. He considered skipping for a second, but the thought of a certain smiley brown-haired boy somehow managed to motivate him.

Upon his arrival, Woojin didn’t seem to be in the lecture hall just yet. He’s still got a few minutes though, Chan wasn’t concerned. Woojin was always on time. Well, usually.

Five minutes later there was still no trace of him. The minutes went by. Their professor had started talking, but Woojin wasn’t there. The professor had taken a break, but Woojin wasn’t there. The professor had resumed talking, but Woojin wasn’t there. The professor had ended the lecture and Woojin was still not there. Chan felt disappointed. He felt deeply disappointed. So disappointed that he was bit frightened by the strong feeling he was experiencing. Nevertheless, he tried to brush off these confusing feelings and went about his day.

Later in bed he had trouble falling asleep once again. He had been tossing and turning for hours now - shifting to find the most comfortable spot that would hopefully put him to sleep. To his relief he had another therapy session scheduled tomorrow. He had decided that he would ask for a lower dosage of his medication. He knew that they were the cause of sleepless nights like this. The side effects included trouble sleeping. Insomnia. He was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder plus symptoms of concomitant depression after his parents had passed away. They had tried a few different antidepressants during the treatment process, but they weren’t effective enough in preventing panic attacks. As a consequence, his doctor decided to prescribe him some Marplan, which was supposed to have the added benefits of reducing anxiety and the occurrence of said panic attacks. If he remembered correctly, Marplan was usually not the first choice for an antidepressant, because of multiple reasons; dangerous drug interactions, high blood pressure and its wide range of possible side effects. He really hoped that they would lower the dosage. The severe insomnia only started a few months ago when they had prescribed him a higher dosage of antidepressant and additionally he wasn’t allowed to take sleeping pills either.

His mind started to wander. Chan, while reflecting on his day, got hung up on Woojin's absence in todays lecture. He realized how he was looking forward to seeing his refreshing smile and his warm laugh after the rather crappy weekend he has had. It was just very comfortable for Chan to talk to him, maybe because he didn’t know much about Chan's issues. Not yet at least. Then again, Chan thought, he had his doubts that him knowing about Chan's past would change anything.

So, what had Woojin been doing today? Hopefully, he wasn’t sick. It was not yet flu season. Being sick seemed a bit over the top. However, any other reason seemed to be even more dramatic. Maybe, something had happened in his family? No, it was probably nothing and he would be back tomorrow. Chan tried to calm himself. There was really no point in getting anxious over someone without knowing anything other than that they had missed one lecture. Maybe he just hadn't felt like going and decided to sleep in. But what about his e-mart plans, his brain provided dumbly. For fucks sake, he needed to sleep already. And so he did, but not before thinking about Woojin as a e-mart CEO for an unreasonable amount of time.

The next day Woojin was, indeed, already in class when Chan arrived. He recognized him even from behind. Even though at least 30% of the students here ha the same haircut, and the same color. He just knew. Woojin had been writing something in his notebook as he lifted his head, turned around half way and stared directly back at him. Woojin's face lit up and he waved him over. The latter happily complied and slipped into the seat next to him.

“Good morning, Chan! How have you been?” Woojin grinned at him like he was the sole reason that he had come here today. This question made Chan wonder if he was in the position to ask where the other had been yesterday and expect an honest answer. Because if he would need to answer Woojin's question honestly, he would need to say something along the line of; miserable because you didn’t show up. He opts for a more casual reply.

“The weekend was alright. I went to a party, it was fun,” Big lie right there, but the truthful alternative was too depressing now, “I noticed you weren’t here yesterday. Were you sick?” He just couldn’t help himself; he was curious.

“That’s good to hear.” Woojin replied and then awkwardly added,” uhm, well, you could say that. It’s no big deal though, I’m here now and I’m healthy.” He smiled softly at him. Chan, for some reason, was blushing slightly and just nodded in response.

“By the way, I just remembered that we said that we should meet up some time. How about, we watch a movie this evening? I have the new marvel movie on my laptop. It would have to be at your place though, because mine, well, it’s inconvenient,” Woojin proposed cautiously.

Chan was surprised. Yes, they had talked about that, but he just naturally assumed that the other forgot about that and maybe he wasn’t even being sincere when he had agreed.

“Sure, sounds good to me, but I am only free after 5pm, I have an appointment the hour before,”Chan answered. At that a light smile spread on Woojin features. Chan only now noticed that he looks somehow similar to an elf, some kind of magical creature. With his gleaming, sharp eyes and defined jaw. Whoops, maybe this was the sleep deprivation taking over his inner monologues. He focused back on their conversation.

“Cool, then I’ll be there at 6? Here, give me your phone, so that I can put my number in and you can just text me your address,” Woojin offered.

Still a bit dazed, Chan agreed, “Yeah, sure.”

Chan left today’s session dejected. His therapist did not agree on lowering the dosage of the antidepressant. She seemed to be disappointed in Chan when they were talking about what had happened last weekend. Of course, he knew, that his therapist would never be actually “disappointed”. Everything that he told her, she analyzed unbiased and impersonal, that’s what she told him at least. Her room was supposed to be a safe space. Still, he couldn’t help feeling like he let her down. He thought, he should do better to show her that he is trying and that she is doing a good job. Deep down Chan knew that that was nonsense, but he really just couldn’t help himself.

Chan got startled by the ringing sound of his door bell. Oh shit, he completely forgot the time as he was musing about his therapy sessions. It was indeed 6pm when Chan opened the door to let in a gleeful Woojin. Quickly, they got the movie running and Chan found some microwavable popcorn. Since Chan didn’t have much space available, they got comfortable on his bed and balanced the laptop on their thighs. They were watching Thor, which both of them had already seen, but neither of them said anything about watching another movie. Half way into the movie, Chan's eyes started drooping.

“Why are you always so tired, Chan?” Woojin looked at him gently. He himself appeared to be a bit tired too, the evening light made his features look soft.

“I haven’t been sleeping very well lately,” Chan answered and then he hesitantly continued,” It’s because of the antidepressants that I need to take.” That was a big step for him to take. Chan was aware that he just entered a conversation about his mental illness. He knew that no one could be confronted with the fact that their friend took antidepressants without wanting to talk about it. However, he felt the urge to tell Woojin. He wanted to tell him everything. He wanted to build a genuine friendship with a minimum of secrets and a maximum of mutual support. Furthermore, he just knew that it wouldn’t change a thing. It was not going to change the way Woojin acted around him much or how he saw him. It was just some very crucial information for people close to him, since it had impacted his life in a major way. So, he decided that he was going to tell Woojin about his mental state and by association he was also going tell him about his parents. Chan hoped that, by unloading his baggage on Woojin, he would gain some lightness, he was going to ease his heavy heart. Was that selfish? He really hoped that Woojin would feel grateful for the trust he had in him rather than burdened.

As expected, Woojin inquired compassionately,” Antidepressants? Do you want to tell me, why you need to take them? I don’t want to intrude, but if you want to tell me about it, I would gladly listen.”

“Well, I guess I tell the story from the very beginning? Is that okay? It might get a bit messy.” Chan asked, suddenly hesitant about the whole thing. He wasn’t sure how deep he should get, he might burst into tears or get a panic attack – he felt something warm on his hand. Woojin was touching his hand gently, looking at him encouragingly and nods.

“Alright,” Chan took a deep breath,” so... when I was 13, my parents and I got involved into a car crash and … well, my parents didn’t make it.” He drew in a sharp breath.

“Oh Channie, you don’t have to”-“No,” Chan interrupted, “It’s fine. Years have passed and I can handle it. Let me prove this to myself and let me tell you everything right away.”

Woojin nodded, but still strengthens his hold on Chan's hand so as to give him support.

After a short pause, he continued, “A truck was driving in front of our car. It had some sort of metal poles as cargo and it turned out that the driver didn’t bother enough to secure his load properly. So, one pole got loose and fell onto our dashboard, pierced through and in the whole process my parents got wounded and killed. Only because they took the hit first, it didn’t reach me on the backseat. Afterwards I lived with my grandmother and later on with my uncle. My only relatives that are left or at least that I am in contact with. At first, I got regular counseling sessions to prevent childhood trauma. But let’s be real here, the childhood trauma is here to stay. Still, I got better and after two years they stopped scheduling the therapy sessions. However, adolescence wasn’t easy, it never is. My mental health declined again when I was 17. I was diagnosed with a kind of post-traumatic stress disorder and got some prescriptions. My doctor resumed treatment and somewhere along the line they also found that I had developed some symptoms of depression. They changed my medication multiple times. They needed to treat anxiety attacks and depressive symptoms, which is apparently difficult to manage. At least in my case, I guess… I don’t really know, I’m not an expert. Anyways, the new pills cause insomnia for me. It’s just a side effect, that comes with the high dosage that they administered for me.”

Chan let out a shaky breath. So far it had been astoundingly easy. He was already used to telling people - Teachers and the people that supervise his well-being as an … orphan - his clinical records.

“Chan,” Woojin looked at him, “Thank you for telling me. I feel blessed that you trust me like that. I see, you can handle it. But answer me the most important question,” he paused for a second,” How,” Woojin emphasizes with urgency,” are you handling it?”

Chan gaze was boring into Woojin and he was staring right back at him. Chan felt like he was about to crack and spill everything. His being was about to be dismantled, torn apart and spread out into the palms of Woojin's hands. That question dug at everything he had carefully stored in the cracks of his heart; The things that held him together and were also the sole reason for his breakdowns, when his heart was rattled, so that the adhesive would give in. He dealt with his demons on his own. That’s what he’s used to and that was what had always made sense to him. No one understood anyways and the people who he was close to, he wouldn’t want to worry. However, that strategy was honestly not that effective. He was still in the process of fixing all the cracks to keep him whole. His tools weren’t strong enough, he had to start reconstruction before he was even ready to be torn down. He wasn’t even all grown up when fate decided to torment him. And like that, his mind frequently got tired and frustrated by his efforts to stay upright, to stay functioning and appreciating life. The frustration left him motionless.

Chan started shaking, the construction site that was his heart began to strike again. His thoughts were spiraling, ignoring everything but his pressing emotions, he was preparing to go into lock-down. Even though he wasn’t aware of it anymore, there was a difference this time. Someone made a difference. Woojin wrapped him slowly, so as to not startle the distressed boy, in his arms and pulled him closer. The comforting warmth of another human was so foreign to him that it startled Chan and he let go of a heart-wrenching whimper. Tears started falling as he realized how he had been craving for someone to hold him, all this time. Deep down he had longed for someone to hold him so tight, that the pieces of his broken heart would be pushed back into place. That frustrated Chan even more, he felt embarrassed for feeling so strongly about what should be just a comforting hug from a friend. What would Jisung and Changbin think about this kind of situation? They had been there all this time, but in the end it’s a “new friend” that tore down the walls Chan built around him. The confusion inside of him filled him up and turned itself into despair. This typhoon of feelings exhausted him until he let go. Defeated he was lying in Woojin's arms and cried for what felt like hours. Woojin held him this whole time, enveloped in his embrace and whispered soothing words into his ear, while carding his fingers through his hair. At some point, when Chan has quieten down, they fell asleep on the couch. Woojin continued to wrap himself around Chan as he was still grasping his shirt tightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my, it's been forever. I was actually planning to write a longer chapter, but because I had to pause for so long I just want to get going again. So, this is short, messy and honestly not a lot happened, right? I still hope you liked it. Also, I'm sorry if you don't care for pharmacology, but I think it's super interesting. That being said, everything I wrote about the medication is as accurate as I could manage by reading a bunch of internet sources in the middle of the night. Good times.  
> At the end of this chapter it gets a bit dramatic. Let me know if I you think, that I went overboard with the writing or if the degree of drama was just right :D  
> 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see! Well, I had circumstances or whatever :D There's not much to say, this chapter is pretty fluffy in comparison to the one before. Like a compensation, if anyone needed that :) As we're getting into the story, I want to note that mental illness is under no circumstances to be romanticized! Everyone who has a condition should be taken seriously and be provided with the option of professional help. Mental health "issues" can't be solved by any kind of romance, it's just never that easy and therefore I will give you a spoiler and say that that's also not what the story is going to tell you. Thank you for reading ~~

Chan stirred awake and found himself wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket. Last night’s events came crushing down on him again. He froze for a moment while trying to recollect and organize all the memories in his head. Woojin had come over to watch a movie with him, but they got distracted and Chan somehow ended up spilling all his secrets. Warmth spread in his chest as he thought back to how understanding Woojin had been and how he had held him in his arms. He had felt so safe and protected. It had been an estranged feeling for him for quite a while now, but Woojin had brought this back to him. Woojin brought back the feeling of security; something that he had been deprived of since his parents passed away. A small smile made its way onto Chan's features, he felt …happy? That thought seemed out of place with him. Grateful? That was more fitting. Chan was sure that he was grateful for the others presence and that Woojin would hopefully stay for a while longer.

It was already bright outside. Chan got up and toddled into his kitchen, looking if Woojin was still there. No Woojin in sight. Instead he found a little note on the counter. The small piece of paper had a neatly written message on it. It read “Good morning, Channie! Sadly, I had to leave, but I didn’t want to wake you up, so I didn’t get to say bye to you. Thank you for yesterday. See you in class :)”. It already sounded so familiar to Chan, even though it was indeed the first note he had received from Woojin (so far). But somehow, everything just felt so intimate and just familiar in a way that surprised him. Chan folded the note and put it in his backpack, together with his notebooks for lyrics and music. He needed to leave in about an hour already. He wanted to meet up with Changbin and Jisung for a quick recording session before classes start. After having a quick breakfast and getting ready, he stepped out of the dorm and headed for the music department where the recording studios were.

The three friends had decided to just freestyle over some beats they had made beforehand. It was currently Jisung's turn to try and match some lyrics he’d come up with to the beat. The beat was calm but steady with some lo-fi elements. Chan liked where they were going with this, he had written some lyrics fitting to the theme already. Jisung finished his round of recording. He had done a good job; they could certainly use that recording in some sessions later on.

Chan was inspired and quick to take Jisung's place in the recording booth. As he started rapping, he closed his eyes. Letting his thoughts run freely, he practically dove into another world. A world where he was able to do everything and anything, where he had confidence and where he could express his feelings freely. In moments like this he was able to experience a unique state of mind; he was able to take deep breaths like he could inflate himself until Chan would grow so big that he felt like he was on top of the world. He was able to spread his wings and fly high into the sky, visiting the stars and greet the moon. Or Chan could grow some gills and go swim with the wales. Heck, he could even take the wales to the moon. He could do everything ever possible and nothing was impossible.

The beat had stopped. Chan was breathing heavily as he willed himself to set his feet on the earth again and come back to reality. He set down his headphones and looked around, just to see that Jisung and Changbin were looking at him with slightly baffled expressions. Chan stepped out of the booth.

“Man, you really went all in! It’s been a while since we’ve seen you like that, “ Changbin commented with an open grin on his face.

Jisung chimed in with enthusiasm,” Yes, hyung! You were so passionate in there!”

Chan smiled softly at them,” Thank you, guys! I don’t know what it is, but today seems to be a good day for me. I am very inspired. That song has a lot of potential.”

Changbin hummed in agreement,” Yeah, I think it fits you. If you want to, you can lead the production of that song, you seem to have a vision.”

“Yes, I would love to.” In that moment, Chan felt content. Creative work had always been something that made him feel free. Consequently the biggest fulfillment for him was, when he managed to express himself confidently and was sure of what he wanted to express. Productivity, he noticed, made him feel like he was healing.

It was evening and Chan was sitting on his bed, cross-legged and with his laptop on his thighs, mindlessly typing away an assignment that he needed to finish that week. However, his mind drifted off from time to time, which made it hard for him to get actual work done. On one hand, he still felt like he was on a high because of that music project they were working on. On the other, Woojin had been absent from class once again. After the scene he had made when the boy visited, Chan was plagued by some unwelcoming thoughts. Had it been too much? Did he scare the other away? Woojin probably needed some distance now. After all, Chan had been quite selfish and unloaded a lot of his emotional baggage on his new friend. Chan closed his laptop and set it aside, trying to get into a comfortable position on his bed. He ended up lying down like a star fish examining his bedroom ceiling. After some fruitless rumination, Chan decided not to attribute Woojin's absence to his mental breakdown the night before. Woojin seemed to be a very stable person; he wouldn’t be that fazed by Chan's outpour of emotions. He remembered the note Woojin had left him and blindly reached into his backpack next to his bed to fish the piece of paper out of its depths. Chan unfolded the now wrinkled paper and read it once again fondly. It made a bunch of images flicker in his mind. Images of Woojin, that he had saved in his mind. However, in this rendition the boy appeared to be a lot more ethereal and even beautiful. Chan felt his chest constricting. But not like he was used to, with anxiety, but with a warm feeling of adoration. He thought back to today's recording session. What Changbin had said, was true. He hasn’t been like this for a while now while making music or in general, actually. He had felt comfortable and capable as he did the one thing that used to always bring him joy. And he had been feeling ecstatic. Putting it into perspective, Chan is sure that he had to give some credit to Woojin. He seemed to be the person who had set him free that day, or rather the night before.

Chan had a very light sleep in the morning, so he isn’t at all surprised when the next day he awoke simply because of the notification bell sound of his phone. He rolled over and checked who messaged him that early. To his surprise, it was Woojin who sent him a short message

“Good morning! Sorry for not being in class yesterday, even though I said I would. Today, I will be there for sure :)”

Now, Chan was wide awake, smiling dumbly at his phone. His eyes wandered from the messenger app to the upper corner of his phone. It was 8 am. Chan estimated that he must have slept nearly 5 hours. That was more than usually, but he still felt rather tired and exhausted. Nevertheless, he got dressed and ready for the day, before he made his way to his university building.

True to his word, when Chan arrived Woojin was already sitting in his usual spot. Chan sat down next to him and took his notebook out, slowly, still a bit tired. Early lectures, Chan noticed, aren’t that bad when you have a friend next to you. Surprisingly, Chan seemed to be the only one of the two that was affected by the early morning. Sure, he hadn’t slept for that long, but he was sure that two more hours wouldn’t change anything for him. On the contrary, Woojin seemed completely unaffected by morning classes. He was rarely tired, whenever Chan saw him. But, he was glad about that, because Woojin's energy helped him to get into a more productive state. And like that he was gradually becoming more aware of his environment and able to concentrate.

He focused on the content of the lecture well today, hopefully he would even remember something when he would work through his textbook later. Suddenly, he noticed movement next to him out of the corners of his eyes. Woojin was looking at his phone, seemingly concerned. He then leaned over to Chan and whispered a quick goodbye, then promptly left the lecture hall. Chan made a move to get up too and follow him but decided against it quickly. He didn't even know what was going on. His sudden movement had already attracted his professor’s attention, who looked at him disapprovingly, but apparently didn’t find it notable that Woojin just left the room like that. Chan was confused. In the end he just decided to text Woojin about the whole thing later and to focus on the lecture again.

As planned, that night Chan texted his new friend. Not only because he was curious about why the boy had to leave, but also because once again he wasn't able to sleep. He hoped the other wasn’t sleeping just yet;

Chan: Hey, are you going to sleep anytime soon?

He didn’t really know, how to start the conversation, but he figured that checking if he wouldn’t bother Woojin was a good first step. Shortly after, he received the response:

K.Woojin: Hi

K.Woojin: No, not yet. I’m reading a book. What’s up?

Chan: Oh really? What book?

K.Woojin: Kafka on the shore by Haruki Murakami. It’s a bit weird honestly, but I like it :)

K.Woojin: Why did you text me? Just because?

Chan: Oh, I've heard of that author before :) Yeah, just because

Chan: No, actually I was curious why you just left in the middle of class.

Chan: Is everything okay?

This time, the reply took significantly longer.

K.Woojin: I needed to help my mother out with something.

Chan wondered, that didn’t make too much sense. It sounded like it was supposed to be an indirect request to not pry any further. Anyhow, he felt the need to talk about something, just anything, that would hopefully make him sleepy.

Chan: Oh, I see. I hope it worked out well then.

Chan: Can you tell me something? Maybe about the book or something, I don’t really mind

Chan: It’s just that I can’t sleep, and I think texting with you might help.

K.Woojin: Hmm, you can’t sleep again…

K.Woojin: Why don’t you send me that sound cloud link of yours, and we can talk about that. I’m really curious

That causes an internal debate in Chan's mind. However, he reasoned with himself that Woojin already witnessed a mental breakdown of his and that was not too much of a different experience than listening to his music.

Chan: [soundcloudartistprofile]

Chan: please ignore the older tracks, they are really embarrassing :D

Chan felt like he was going to die of embarrassment. Technically, there was nothing embarrassing about his music, but suddenly everything felt too personal, too dramatic and he just wanted to fling himself into the galaxy. My music is not good enough. Did I even make any progress? Is my recent music not just as bad as the old stuff? He will think, I’m an over-dramatic teenager! Or an appropriating wanna-be rapper! Or both! We can’t be friends anymore. He will mock me and block my ph –

His inner monologue was interrupted by the notification bell of his phone:

K.Woojin: I like it! The lyrics are very deep and seem to be personal, but I can still relate to a lot of them.

Oh my god, talking about being dramatic, Chan. He took a deep breath. He should really at least try to stop jumping to conclusions and always expecting the worst. He should have known by now, that Woojin would never judge him harshly like that.

K.Woojin: I especially like the beat of the most recent one. It’s so mellow, it’s nice

Chan: Oh really? What music do you usually listen to?

K.Woojin: I really like drama OSTs. I like singing along to them. I also listen to piano instrumentals and some lo-fi when I’m studying.

Why was he not surprised? Somehow, that was exactly what he had expected. It fit his personality

Chan: I like those too! Tell me your favorite song!

K.Woojin: Hm, that’s difficult, but I’d say Paul Kim’s Me After You :)

Like this, they continued texting until late at night, until Chan fell asleep next to his phone with a small smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw, I recommend listening to Lee Hi's song 'Breathe' aaand 'Talking to the moon' by Bruno Mars. While reading this story, but also in general, I think these songs are amazing :) Byee


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! Something sweet on a cold autumn night for you! Enjoy ~~ (It's indeed the middle of the night for me right now and I wrote this in one sitting, so fingers-crossed it's actually enjoyable, whoops)

Chan stifled a yawn. Through his squinted eyes he could only see a mess of blurry text. He was sitting together with Woojin in one of the hidden study corners in the library and tried to get some work done. He really tried, but somehow his sleepy state and the others presence made it really hard to focus. So, every other minute he would end up staring at Woojin. The brown-haired boy would then briefly look up from his textbook, flash him an encouraging smile and continue reading. Every time he did that though, Chan got even more distracted, even though it was meant to get him back to focusing on his study material. It was just that Woojin's smiles were so enamoring that it made Chan's pulse quicken, his palms sweaty and his brain fuzzy. He was seriously contemplating if he should tell his doctor about that. The feelings that welled up inside of him whenever he saw Woojin recently were just so strange to him. Warmth would spread through his chest and he got the impression of safety, which was a change he welcomed. Then again, these unfamiliar feelings made him incredibly nervous, because he couldn’t quite understand what was going on. And like this Chan was now frequently left all messed up and with conflicting feelings. But in a good way. 

Chan had recently told Jisung and Changbin about the development with Woojin; that he now considered him to be a very good friend. The two were happy for him, but at the same time rather surprised. Neither of them had seen that coming. Chan was usually a very private person, taking a long time to open up to new people. He had stuck to his two friends for the longest time now. Needless to say, Jisung and Changbin were curious about this person that got close to Chan so quickly. They had asked to meet him and that Chan should introduce him to them. Not only because they were curious, but also to check, if that guy was actually a good person. He must be, otherwise it would have been unlikely that Chan had taken a liking to him. However, there were some manipulative people out there. Chan was an attractive target for those people; handsome and a bit gullible, being too nice for his own good while having a lot of insecurities. The two would never bad-mouth Chan, but they were agreeing on the fact that he was a bit of a push-over. Still, Chan usually didn’t let anyone close to his heart. This guy must be special somehow, the two thought. In the end, Chan had agreed to ask Woojin if all four of them could meet up with each other for lunch. 

Chan remembered his friends’ request and cleared his throat to get Woojin's attention. Woojin looked up with a questioning look, one eyebrow slightly raised. 

“Uhm, I have a question for you,” Chan hesitated. He wasn’t sure if he should just outright ask or give some context or-

“Well, go ahead,” the other smiled at him.

“Okay, uhm, I told my friends about you and they asked to meet up together. Do you want to join us for lunch tomorrow?” 

Woojin's smile fell for a moment, but it was quickly replaced by an apologetic one.

“I’m sorry, I won’t be able to join tomorrow. Maybe some other time.” He paused, looking at his phone for a second.

“Oh! We should head out, our lecture starts in 10 minutes,” Woojin urged suddenly. 

Chan blinked in confusion. He had lost track of the time, but now he remembered that they indeed had one last lecture for the day. 10 minutes wasn’t a lot, but luckily their lecture hall wasn’t too far away from the library.

“Alright then, let’s go,” Chan agreed and packed his stuff.

He was still thinking about Woojin's answer as he put his books into his backpack. Woojin's response had been short and he didn’t even give a proper excuse. Did he just not want to meet up? Why would that be? The brown-haired boy often gave half hearted excuses for not being present and Chan couldn’t help, but wonder about it. In general, he started noticing that he didn’t know a lot of personal information about Woojin.

They were now strolling down the path that lead them to their lecture hall. It had gotten a bit chilly. Today was one of those days, in the transitioning from summer to autumn, when it got unexpectedly cold. Chan, however, felt warm. If it was because of his cozy sweater or because of the boy walking next to him remained a mystery to him.   
They were silently walking next to each other, when they noticed two students approaching them quickly. The two were running, probably late for class. As they were coming towards them, Chan recognized them as his two friends, Jisung and Changbin. 

Jisung passed them first, just waving and yelling, “Sorry, no time. We are late.” Confirming Chan's suspicion. 

When Changbin passed them shortly after he slowed down to a jog.

“ Chan! We should go to the recording studio tomorrow. I have a few-“

Changbin was interrupted by Jisung, shouting at him to “hurry the fuck up” or they would get marked absent again by their one professor that apparently made life a living hell for them.  
And so, his two friends came and went, just like that without them having the chance to strike up a quick conversation. It would have been the perfect opportunity to introduce them to Woojin without having to spend a substantial amount of time. Chan had figured, Woojin would probably be uncomfortable meeting them for lunch, because they would need to talk to each other for at least 40 minutes and that must have be the reason why he had rejected the invitation earlier. Maybe they would meet on campus like this again, but hopefully with better time management on Jisung's and Changbin's side. 

“Were these two the friends you told me about?” Woojin asked, catching on.

“Yeah, they are. Usually, they are all over the place like that, but they have this one professor that gives them hell all the time.” 

“I see,” Woojin looked deep in thought. 

They had reached the lecture hall by now. Just in time they sat down to listen to the professor starting to ramble about macroeconomics.

***

Chan's next therapy session left him in a more positive state than the previous one. He had told his therapist about the new friend he made and how he sometimes helped him sleep. She was, even though she couldn’t show it too much, relieved that there was some progress in the life of her patient. Friends, she said, were incredibly important and could be beneficial for his mental health. So, they talked quite a bit about this new development and Chan for the first time in forever actually felt like it was getting better. He was getting better. Telling his therapist somehow made it seem official. Nothing could stop him now.   
Feeling refreshed, Chan decided to call Woojin that evening, just to show his gratitude and to finally get to know the other a bit better. He was lying in his bed, phone in his hand. They were talking for a long time. Chan had planned on asking a lot of personal questions, to finally put together some kind of profile. However, whenever he managed to ask one of those questions Woojin elegantly avoided answering them to his satisfaction. The conversation was still enjoyable, but Chan quickly noticed that he wouldn’t be able to pry any substantial information out of the other.   
It was already dark outside, when Chan felt his eyelids droop. He was still on his phone with Woojin, who was telling a story about an incidence in one of the lectures they didn’t share. Woojin's voice calmed Chan down. He had a voice that was just inexplicably attractive to him, in the evening it was just so deep and rough. It felt like wood burning peacefully in an open fire place. It lulled him to sleep. Woojin still on the other end of the call, Chan drifted off to sleep.

***

The next two days Woojin had been absent from university again. It was frustrating to Chan, his new friend just disappeared like that way too often. Feeling desperate, he decided to text him and ask if he wanted to meet up and watch a movie together. The reply came quickly. Woojin was free that evening and a few hours later Chan opened the door for him. Just like last time they got comfortable on Chan's bed and set up the laptop quickly. This time they chose to watch a few episodes of Naruto. They both had been watching the anime when they were younger and shared their throwbacks with each other. Chan had liked the anime from the beginning, but after losing his parents, he felt even closer to the protagonist. Sadly though, he wasn’t a ninja.

“You know, Woojin, I can relate to that quite well.”

Woojin hummed inquisitively, which was supposed to urge him on to explain what he had meant. They were huddled together closely with a blanket around them, so they didn’t need to talk loudly; some hushed whispers were enough.

“Naruto’s parents died when he was young and he felt isolated after that. His friends and his dream helped him stay strong though. He would do anything for his friends, because without them he just couldn’t be.”

“But you don’t have a monster inside of you, right?” Woojin asked jokingly.

Chan chuckled,” Of course, I don’t.” He rested his head on Woojin's shoulder and continued,” I just wanted to tell you how much my friends mean to me. And also, how much you mean to me. I’m very grateful to you, for you. My therapist said that you are helping me get better.”

“You talked to your therapist about me?”

“Yeah, I talk to her about pretty much everything. She is monitoring my progress, so she needs to know what is going on.”

“I’m glad I can help you get better. I’m not trying to be your saving grace though. I just really like you for who you are and want you to be happy, preferably while I’m next to you.”

At that, Chan lifted his head to look at him. Woojin was blushing. Chan wasn’t sure how to interpret this, but it sounded surprisingly a lot like a confession. 

“Woo,” Chan whispered softly to get the other to look at him again,” I am happy. I am happy when you are next to me. I hope to make you happy too. I’m trying to get better, so that I can be better company for you.” 

Now it was Chan's turn to blush.   
Woojin looked back at him, wide eyes filled with wonder and adoration. Chan mirrored him. The tv show was still running in the background, plunging the room in a faint and inconsistent light. Studying each other’s faces in the poorly lit room, they were both searching for cues. The room got warm and oxygen seemed to be scarce, because Chan started feeling a bit hazy. Or maybe there were other reasons, because when Chan noticed that Woojin's gaze settled on his lips, his insides felt funny. A mix of anticipation, nervousness, impatience, and desire. He couldn’t do anything, but stare at the others lips too. After a few heartbeats, Woojin had gotten the message and leaned in. Their lips connected. It was a soft kiss, shy and testing. Like they were trying to find their way together. Their way home. Becoming more and more familiar with each other. Unraveling their last insecurities and kissing them goodbye. It reminded Chan of being underwater. Not while drowning in panic, but more so like he was a creature of the sea and just shut off from the world, embraced by the comfort of weighing down water. They were in their own world, where the only important thing was to show the other how much they meant to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was nice and fluffy, wasn't it? :D Well, at least I hope so! If not then tell me in the comments lol. Thank you for reading, I appreciate it a lot! Also, is this the calm before the storm?? Maaaaybeee?   
> PS: I'm really sorry, if you haven't read or watched naruto (I recommend tho) and that reference made everything kinda weird D: I hope it doesn't bother you!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Minor character death 
> 
> Alright, get ready for an emotional roller coaster! Enjoy ~

Chan woke up, while burying his face into foreign warmth. Rubbing his face into the fabric and regaining back consciousness from the grasp of sleep, he slowly blinked. As he became fully awake, he noticed that the reason for his unusual warm bed was in fact a person. Getting up halfway by shifting and propping himself up on his underarms, Chan was able to get a good look at Woojin's sleeping form. Recalling what has happened yesterday night, he blushed slightly but also couldn’t help himself but smile fondly. After yesterdays’ “movie night” Woojin didn’t leave. After they had shared longing kisses, they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Woojin must have noticed the movement and grumbled because the other had moved. He reached out to Chan and brought him back to his side with one strong arm. Chan giggled happily and snuggled into Woojin's chest again. Like this, he could probably just fall asleep again in a few minutes. He actually did manage to doze off again, but soon after, it was Woojin who shifted their position and got up after whispering into Chan's ear that he would make breakfast for them. Said and done, when Chan had decided to get up too and dragged himself into the kitchen, pancakes were already done and served on the counter. Woojin was leaning against said counter waiting for Chan's decaf' coffee to run though the machine entirely. Chan, upon entering the kitchen, just looked at the pancakes once and then walked straight into Woojin's arms, mumbling a small thanks into his neck. Woojin just laughed softly and wrapped his arms around the other’s waist.

“Do you like pancakes just that much?”

Still a bit dazed from sleep Chan let out a small breath, whispering, “Yes, but I also like you just that much.”

Woojin tightened his arms around Chan's torso briefly before bringing some distance in between them and cupping both sides of Chan's face with his palms to look at him. There was only a slight height difference, but Chan still felt small in Woojin's hold. He didn’t want him to let go. Not ever. He couldn’t, because, when he looked at the person who had just came crushing into his life and brought him so much joy, he experienced a kind of feeling that left him breathless. It felt like Chan's chest wanted to burst open with adoration and yearning. Like he wanted to throw himself at the other and hold him so close that he could feel just how much he cared for him. At the same time, he wanted to protect his loved one from every harm out there, even if he couldn’t protect himself, Chan felt ready to take on every challenge. In this moment, however, he was too caught up in the moment to express any of that. Chan just hoped that the love is eyes held while looking at the other was visible. Judging by the way Woojin looked down at Chan, he had successfully conveyed his message. Woojin's gaze, just like Chan's, was glowing with adoration and a smile spread on his lips.

“I think I like you more,” Woojin said and closed the distance to carefully press his lips onto Chan's forehead.

The soft feeling made Chan blush profusely, suddenly all shy. He thanked the heavens that in that moment the coffee machine made a noise that indicated that the coffee was ready to be served. So, Chan smiled at Woojin lightly to excuse himself and proceeded to get them two mugs, filling them with the steaming hot liquid.

They took their breakfast back to Chan's room. His kitchen was too small and they for sure wouldn’t eat in the room that Chan shared with the other students living in the dorm. They found comfort in their privacy and didn’t want to share their newfound intimacy with anyone. So, they settled, tangled in the sheets and plates placed in their laps, on Chan's bed. They were just eating comfortably, talking about everything and nothing, just enjoying each other’s presence. After finishing their breakfast and spending some more time getting ready for the day, Woojin left for his place. They both didn’t expect to have a sleepover after watching a movie and so they both had things left to do and appointments to attend. Chan had a recording session in a few hours with Jisung and Changbin scheduled. Starting off the day like this, he was elated and felt deeply inspired. A magic ability that Woojin seemed to possess was to inspire.

***

After two hours taking turns in the recording booth, the three all launched on the seats in the area where they were editing and mixing the recordings. Changbin was still sitting in the cushioned chair at the mixer console, where he had been for the most time. Jisung and Chan were slumping down in two comfy armchairs that were positioned around a coffee table. The small size of the room made it comfortable to talk to each other no matter where they were sitting.

“I think we made some good progress today,” Changbin concluded, visibly content with their work.

“Yes, I’m really excited about this project. I feel like we’re getting somewhere!” Chan, from his half-laying position in his chair, was staring at the ceiling with a content expression on his face.

Jisung perked up at this, mustering Chan's demeanor, he commented,”I agree, hyung! Actually, I noticed that you’ve been very inspired these days and it also seems like you’ve been better in general. Is there a specific reason? I mean, I’m happy for you anyways, but I’m wondering. Is it that new friend of yours that we haven’t met yet?”

“Oh, you mean Woojin? Honestly, I think he has been doing me good the past days. We have gotten closer quickly. I can’t wait for you to meet properly. I mean you’ve seen him already, but - “

“Wait, we haven’t seen him yet, Chan,” Jisung interrupted Chan with furrowed eyebrows.

Changbin was trying to recall the alleged incident too, but came out empty-handed,” I can’t remember seeing you with anyone either.”

“No no, you did! Just this week, when you two were late for class, you ran into us. Woojin was the brown-haired man next to me. I think he wore a dark green sweater that day. Don’t you remember?”

“Hm, I’m sorry, Chan, but I really don’t remember,” Jisung concluded, looking at Changbin to see if the other did. However, Changbin just nodded in agreement with the other; he didn’t remember either.

“He was there though. Maybe you guys were just too focused on not getting your asses beat by professor Moon,” Chan reasoned, laughing a bit at how his friends’ were such messes sometimes.

***

That day, when he came back home, Chan felt truly content. His relationship with Woojin was progressing and so was his music project. And soon, he would get his friends to meet his new significant other too. Woojin and Chan hadn’t talked about a label for their relationship yet, but kissing and cuddling like that meant that they were heading into a romantic relationship, at least in Chan's books. Motivated by the newfound joy in his life, he decided to get a head start on the material for his economics class.

Halfway through the first paper, Chan's cellphone started ringing. Wondering about who would call him at 9pm, he checked the screen first. It was his uncle. The old man was rarely calling, usually just once a month and that he had already done. So, it must be urgent. Chan picked up the call quickly. 

“Hello, uncle?”

“Chan-ah? I’m sorry to call you this late, but something happened. I’m so sorry to tell you on the phone and not in person, but today your grandmother died. You know, she has been ill for a long time already. Let me assure you it is for the better. Come back home next weeke-“

Chan hung up. He couldn't talk to his uncle in a stable way anyways, processing the information.

He didn’t know what to think. What had just happened? What did he just hear? Staring at the wall in front of him, he drew a blank. Chan felt incredibly empty; like he was devoid of all his organs, his brain resisting the instinct to generate any thought. The only thing he could hear and that he could focus on was his heart beating. The dull rhythmic vibrations of his heart beating weren’t comforting though, it was something that reminded him of the thing that was now separating him from his grandmother. A beating heart. Life. His grandmother, one of the few people in this world that had cared for him and that he cared for, was gone. One of the few family members that hadn’t left him in this world. But now did. Of course, he couldn’t blame her. His grandma lived a good and long life, save for her dementia that made her suffer increasingly. Chan could only blame fate. And be mad at himself; he hadn’t made the time to visit her recently. His grandma must have felt alone in her last days. Just as alone as Chan felt right now. His chest stung at this thought. Anger flooded his mind and he could hear the rushing of blood in his ears as his heartbeat increased. Chan began to shake, with ire and in agony. The feeling of losing yet another loved one tore his insides apart. He was reminded of his parents. The pain ripped into him even deeper.

_We should be home soon, just be patient, Channie_

A few weeks ago, he thought, he would’ve been able to take it. After all, if your heart isn’t whole to start with then what would be able to break it again? But he had been getting better, things have been starting to work out for him. With his friends and with Woojin. Life seemed bearable lately. But the heavens must hate him, if they couldn’t let him become whole again, before throwing yet another stone at him. Another tragedy.

_How much longer until we get home? Mom, I want to – Oh, careful, dear! Steer to the side!!_

Chan felt nauseous, his head spinning and hurting with unshed tears.

The typhoon of feelings whirling through his form made him sick to his stomach and as he felt like puking, Chan quickly ran into his small bathroom. Leaned over the toilette bowl and let himself heave out the contents of his stomach. As in a daze he felt his insides churning and his belly contracting until he felt even emptier than before. Completely swallowed by the emptiness inside him, Chan still felt overwhelmed by the chaos that were his feelings, the painful thoughts and the resignation that he felt approaching. All these emotions existing side by side, even if they should be conflictive enough to never occur in one’s mind simultaneously. Exhausted he pushed himself away from the toilette and leaned back against the wall behind him. Resting his head on the cool tiles. His muscles losing strength and giving way to the fatigue, he slid down the wall and to the side, now resting in a rather uncomfortable position on the bathroom floor. Chan didn’t care though. What was he supposed to do anyway? He was being consumed by the cruelty of the world and he didn’t find it in him to care anymore.

Chan began to shiver as he felt something warm on his body, which had already gotten used to the cold floor he was lying on. His eyes were closed. Chan wondered what this warm feeling could be. To whom could this warmth belong? Thinking about it didn’t seem to be worth the effort though. So, he decided to ignore the feeling. It didn’t matter anyways, surely the patch of warmth on his upper arm would fade away soon. Like everything.

He stopped shivering quickly, but soon after he was shaken. He wasn’t shaking, but he was shaken. Shaken by another person until he gained consciousness again. At least to the point where he was able to open his eyes and actually process who had joined him in the bathroom and was now watching over him, concern written on his face. Chan blinked, looking up without moving his head. Woojin.

Chan realized that Woojin was with him. And that he was talking to him, but he couldn’t process the words. He could only stare at him and how his lips were moving softly yet in a somewhat urgent way. Chan felt tears pooling in his eyes, obstructing his view and then running down the side of his face. Why was Woojin here? Seeing him reminded him of how lonely he had felt before. Seeing him made him realize that there were people that cared for him. Even though, at times he felt so alone that he was completely occupied by loneliness and didn't even realize that people that loved him were still there and so close. Woojin cared for him and that thought made him cry even harder, because his feelings mattered and he needed to express them. He wanted to cry because he was grateful for Woojin, and he wanted to cry because he felt liberated. Knowing that he was thought of as a precious person that needed care, made him care more about himself too. It prevented him from distancing himself from his emotions, it made him stop disregarding his feelings and let him express all the sorrow freely. And right now, that lead Chan to crying his heart out. He curled in on himself and started sobbing uncontrollably. He had held back his tears for so long at this point, that now he was reduced to them. He let out a particularly heart-wrenching sob, as he felt Woojin wrapping his arms around him and holding him, trying to calm him down. Chan, on instinct, grabbed the other’s soft sweater and buried his face into the fabric. Woojin, feeling Chan's pain, started carding his fingers through his hair in a comforting manner. After Woojin had held Chan in his arms for a while and the sobs had quieten down, the older gathered him in his arms and carried Chan to his bedroom. Tucking him in under the covers turned out to be difficult as Chan didn’t want to loosen his grip on Woojin's sweater. So, Woojin situated them both in the most comfortable position he could manage. He was lying on his back with Chan resting half on top of him, cuddled into his side, where Woojin held him with an arm slung around his shoulders. Chan's head was resting on his chest, where he seemingly got comfortable quickly, because Woojin was soon able to hear soft snoring from the boy who had been previously balling his eyes out. After all, it had been exhausting for Chan, all the mental stress he had to endure.

It was 4 am, when Chan woke up, still in Woojin's arms. The room was plunged into darkness, but somehow Chan sensed that the other was looking at him intently.

“Woojin?” Chan whispered, to which he got an acknowledging hum as answer.

“Thank you. Thank you for staying.”

“How could I leave you, when you are feeling like that? You don’t need to thank me, I’m always there for you,” Woojin mumbled, only audible to Chan because they were cuddled up against each other.

“I love you, Woojin,” Chan breathed, his eyes brimming with tears once again, but they felt lighter this time.

“I love you too, Chan, “the older answered and turned his head lightly to press a kiss onto Chan's head.

Chan felt warmth spreading through his body again and tried chasing that feeling by shuffling even closer to the other’s body and breathing in his comforting smell. He smelled like home.

“Chan, do you want to tell me what happened yesterday?”

The question made Chan tense up briefly. Woojin noticed and slowly started to trace phantom circles with his fingers on Chan's back to soothe him.

“My grandma died,” he replied curtly and in a hushed tone.

“Oh, I’m sorry for your loss.”

Chan chose to ignore the concern and the empathy in the other’s voice, just so he wouldn’t start crying again. Right now, he felt too weak to do that anyways. Instead, he thought about how Woojin had cared for him to give him back some strength.

“Why did you just come to my place anyways? How did you even get in? I just remember you being in my bathroom out of the sudden,” Chan mused after a few minutes.

A few seconds passed until Woojin answered in a neutral voice,” I called you because I forgot something this morning, but you didn’t pick up the phone. So, I decided to visit again and the door wasn’t locked. When I couldn’t find you in your bedroom and not in the kitchen either, I decided to check the bathroom.”

“Hm, I see. I’m glad you did,” Chan hummed and took Woojin's hand, the one that wasn’t currently resting on Chan's shoulder, and started playing with his fingers.

“I’m glad too. I don’t want you to get hurt and grieve all alone,” Woojin confided in a loving voice. He stopped Chan from playing with his fingers by taking Chan's hand into his, bringing it up to his lips, kissing the back of his hand gently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! It's a rainy autumn Sunday where I live, so If it's the same for you, i hope you can stay inside and curl up in your bed while reading this story u.u Have a nice day <3  
> Btw, I'm getting excited to write the last chapter, so I hope to finish this story soon, because the last chapter is super important for the whole thing. Fingers-crossed that you will like it. If you think you know how this story ends, feel free to write that in the comments, so that I can answer to it in a unnervingly vague way and we can wait until I manage to actually write it :DD


	7. [note]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not actually part of the story, it's a note on the recent event. Also, mild spoilers ahead.

Dear readers,

today JYPE announced that Woojin is leaving Stray Kids. First of all, I want to say that I sincerely hope that leaving the company was actually his decision. And more importantly a decision that hopefully is going to make him happy eventually and ultimately. I wish him all the best and that he will be able to overcome the difficulties of this situation. Believe me when I say it is never easy to give up on something that you have worked so hard on. Obviously, I don't know about the details of the situation, but from vaguely similar experience I can say that it hurts so so bad to have to let go of something that you sacrificed so much for and to leave people behind that you love because you've found yourself in a dead end, where you see no hope for your future happiness. So, let's all wish him and the members all the best and strength to overcome those difficulties. 

I felt the need to comment on the situation in this story, because it is Woojin and Chan centered. This fanfiction from the very beginning was going to talk about serious topics. I had the story line planned from the beginning and to be honest finishing this story is going to hurt, not only me, but maybe even you. It is going to be difficult, because you can by extension relate some aspects of the finished project to the current situation. Of course, I'm not happy about having these parallels, but it would feel wrong to me to stop writing because of this. I just wanted to get that out there in case you want to stop reading (which I would totally understand). This story won't have a sad ending per se, but growth hurts and this story in its essence is about growth. I know this is "only" fanfiction, but I still wanted to convey a message through it, because I feel like Stays, and Stray Kids through their music, care. They care a lot and we know it can be difficult to overcome harsh times, but it is possible, if you know other's care. So, as I had planned, I will finish this story and write the kind of ending that hopefully conveys the message. The message that you are strong enough to overcome challenges in your life that seem too cruel for anyone on this planet. You can overcome hardship not only through the help of loved-ones but also by growing as a person, learning and building resilience.

On this note, please recognize that I am not trying to belittle mental health issues. I am not trying to tell people who have those circumstances, that it's not an actual problem and that they should just giddy up or some bs. No. All feelings are valid and people deal with them differently. Though, there are just some things that might help if you are aware of them. Or just some things that are good to experience through a story sometimes. Then again, let me tell you, that I am aware that this is just a fanfiction and originally meant for a quick read that might provide some entertainment?? but still words carry weight and words are powerful, so I want to make sure that if you are reading this, you get what the meaning of these words are.

Most of the seventh chapter is finished and I originally planned to update this weekend. I don't know how well I am dealing yet, so I might be quicker to update or it will take me even longer. The ending that is planned, honestly bothers me slightly. So I'm thinking about writing a short sequel. I will let you know.

Thank you for following this story and thank you for reading this note. Feel free to talk to me in the comments and let me know your opinion. Some of you already told me about what you are expecting in future chapters, so I would appreciate it if you tell me about your thoughts again.

I hope you can still enjoy this story.

I appreciate you all very much and I hope you are all well.


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my dear readers there is not much to say other than "go and listen to Woojin's cover of So Long" and try not to cry too much <3   
> Alright, so minor trigger warning regarding blood?? It's just a bit, don't worry.   
> I also decided to add a chapter so (excluding the note) there are going to be 9 chapters, because we don't like the number 8 anymore and also because as I wrote this chapter I realized that it would take a bit longer and it would be unproportionally longer in comparison to previous chapters, so yeah  
> Thank you for following this fic <3 love you~~

_Mom? Dad? We’re home! The traffic was terrible, but we made it in time for dinner!_

_It’s good to see you again, dear! And Woojin, it’s nice to finally meet you. Chan told us so much about you already!_

_Yes, last time he visited he wouldn’t shut up about you. I’m glad you could make it this time._

_It’s nice to meet you too. Thank you for inviting me for dinner!_

_The food looked and smelled amazing. It had been a while, since Chan had a home-cooked meal. He basked in the moment. The fact that Woojin and his parents finally met and were getting along well made him the happiest he had ever felt. The most important people in his life, happy and healthy. The atmosphere was comfortable and warm, contrasting the harsh weather outside. It had been difficult for them to come here, due to the stormy weather at the end of October, but they managed to make it. After the stressful journey, the house of Chan's parents felt even more inviting._

_After the four of them had gone through the introductions and the necessary small talk, Chan's mother told them to dig in and enjoy the food. It was already close to 7pm, so all of them had been anticipating this moment greatly. Plates loaded up with the steaming hot food, they started eating._

_Chan picked up a small piece of pork first. It had been a long time, since he ate meat that looked just that delicious. Being a college student and thus constantly short on money, didn’t allow him to buy the expensive delicacy. He contently shoved the piece in his mouth and began chewing. And stopped quickly. Something was odd. There was a discomfort in his mouth and he couldn’t chew properly, something was stopping him. Discretely, he spit the small chunk of meat into a napkin and excused himself to the washroom._

_Chan reached the bathroom and immediately rushed to the mirror. He couldn’t detect anything odd about himself right away, the same Chan as every other day stared right back at him through the mirror. Nothing unusual. Until he opened his mouth. He opened his mouth to see why he wasn’t able to chew properly just now. He was surprised to see blood. He didn’t experience any pain, but still there was blood slowly running from where his gum tissue hugged his teeth. More and more blood started to gather on the floor of his mouth. It was a disturbing sight to see. Chan couldn’t detect the cause of this horror. Carefully, he pulled back his upper lip to examine his gums. There was no wound and it also didn’t look particularly swollen. Just deep red liquid leaving his body. As he was not feeling the excruciating pain, that he should have experienced considering the absurd amount of blood, he reached out to carefully touch his gums and see if that might produce a reaction of some sort. He needed to know what was wrong. However, as he started probing the soft flesh, he noticed an odd pliancy. His teeth weren’t anchored into his bone anymore. In fact, his jaw bone seemed to have softened, making his teeth loose._

_Just as Chan made this observation, he felt the first tooth leave his opening. With a horrifying clack, he saw his tooth, stained an unsettling red, land in the sink beneath him. Even though, Chan realized what was currently happening, he felt weirdly detached and calm. He was now merely observing this “natural” occurrence. One after another his teeth started falling out of their sockets and fell either directly into the sink or landing on his tongue, getting spit out right after. Once, the process came to an end, Chan spit out the remaining blood and washed away the blood that stuck to his lips, cleaning up his appearance._

_Looking at himself once more in the mirror, he remembered his parents and Woojin that he had left at the dinner table. Not wanting to keep them waiting, he quickly left the bathroom again. He already started to feel giddy at the idea of spending time with his loved ones, he made his way down the hallway and into the dining room._

_It was empty._

_The smile on Chan face fell. He was confused. His head devoid of any thought, Chan sat down on his chair again and took a sip out of his glass of water._

***

Chan awoke with a splitting headache. Thank god it was a Saturday! He didn’t even want to think about the possibility of needing to get up and go to class. Chan did not feel capable of doing such thing. Not only because of his pounding head, but also because of the pair of arms wrapped around him. Woojin was hugging him from behind, keeping him securely pressed to his chest. So that Chan felt his breath on his shoulder.

After spending a few more hours in bed, Chan and Woojin decided to have breakfast at a nearby Café. Both of them had never been there before, but the exterior looked inviting. Just as inviting as the exterior was the inside of the little Café. The pair felt enchanted by the atmosphere of the shop. The owners kept the color scheme natural and decorated the place with a lot of potted plants. The furniture was tastefully mismatched and here and there the chairs were complimented by comfy love-seats and armchairs. A playlist with instrumental pieces was playing softly in the background. Even though Chan was distracted by the new impressions of this lovely place the smell of coffee wafting through the air reminded him why they were there in the first place.

“I’ll order some jasmine tea and some banana bread. What do you want?” Chan asked, visibly excited for their “coffee date”.

“Hm, I don’t feel like eating yet. I think I will get something later on,” Woojin answered, preoccupied with observing the new place.

“Huh? You shouldn’t skip breakfast, Woo. If you’re not that hungry yet we can just share my banana bread,” Chan proposed.

“Okay okay, then let’s share the banana bread,” Woojin smiled, touched by Chan's caring nature.

“I’ll go and order! Will you find us a place to sit?”

“Sure,” still enamored by Chan's sweet behavior Woojin grinned as he answered and quickly leaned down to peck Chan's cheek before sauntering off to a table in the corner of the Café.

Chan felt his cheeks getting warm. He didn’t know how to handle these little shows of affection yet, other than internally combusting. Attempting to get over his love-struck state he made his way to the counter to order his breakfast.

Just a few minutes had passed when Chan had gotten his food and found Woojin sitting in one of the small sofas tucked in a corner away from the people busily ordering coffee to go. Chan set down the tray with his tea and banana bread on the low table and let himself plop down next to Woojin on the sofa.

“Hm, looks good,” the other commented and casually slung an arm around Chan's shoulder.

“Right? The set-up is so cute! Let me take a picture real quick.”

The next minutes were spent by Chan gushing over his food and searching for the right angle to take a good picture of it that would show of its aesthetic the best. His tea was served in a rather big mug that still had the design of fine china with its rosé floral patterns and creme base color. The banana bread had little cocoa nibs sprinkled through-out and the slice was shaped into a soft round. The employee had put it on a simple ivory colored ceramic plate, but they still drew a small pattern next to the slice using caramel sauce and added fresh strawberries to it.

As he was done taking pictures of his pretty breakfast, another pretty thing caught Chan's attention. Woojin had been observing him fondly during his little photography project. Quickly Chan turned to the side, facing Woojin, and snapped a picture. Laughing to himself at Woojin's dumbfounded expression, he then checked his phone to see how the photo had turned out. Chan was satisfied, in his opinion it came out beautifully and captured Woojin's warm aura perfectly, supported by the comfy yellow lighting in the room.

“Oh, it came out nicely. Look! You are so pretty,” Chan commented to Woojin with warm cheeks.

Woojin looked at the photo with a sheepish smile, “Thanks, Chanie. But you know how it would look even better? With you on it. Let’s take some together.”

Chan, loving the idea, quickly changed the phone settings to selfie-mode scooted closer to Woojin, getting into position. They took a quite a few pictures, some were sweet and some were silly. The two of them were simply having fun taking cute pictures and engaging into casual conversation. And like this they spent their remaining time in Café, sitting in their secluded little love seat immersed in their own world, only focused on each other.

It was late in the afternoon when they were back at Chan's place. Woojin was sitting on Chan's bed, alternating between playing on his phone and watching Chan as the younger was packing his bag in preparation for the next day. Tomorrow was Sunday and Chan needed to go to his grandmother’s funeral. It was about a four-hour journey by train, so he would need to leave early in the morning and come back late at night.

“Chan?” Woojin asked for the other’s attention with a serious look on his face.

Chan shoved another thing in to his backpack, before looking up and meeting Woojin's eyes. Letting out an inquisitive hum, Chan was anticipating what Woojin had to say.

“Will you be fine tomorrow? I mean going there will be stressful and exhausting. If you want to, I can accompany you,” Woojin proposed, dropping his gaze to his fidgeting hands in uncertainty.

After taking a moment for consideration Chan answered,” I’m going to be okay. The whole thing will take up the entire Sunday, I don’t want you to waste your weekend with me,” at this Chan noticed that Woojin was about to protest, so he continued quickly, “even if you say it won’t bother you. You haven’t even met my family yet. It will probably be just very awkward for you, seeing some of my relatives for the first time while they are mourning. Plus, funerals, even if you don’t know the deceased, are really heartbreaking. I don’t want you to grief for a person that you’ve never met.”

Chan was being honest. How could he even consider bringing Woojin in such a situation; having to empathize with strangers that just lost a loved one, just to comfort him while he needs to manage the service and engage with the few relatives that were left in their family. It was going to be thoroughly depressing and while Chan had to admit that he worried about getting into a bad episode again, he still doesn’t want Woojin to witness it all. Thinking about the next day, he was already missing the other. Having lost his grandma, he had also lost the last relative that he felt connected to, that he was truly fond of.

“Are you sure?” Woojin inquired with a vary expression on his face.

“I am. You know… just promise me that you will be there for me when I come back.”

“I will. I promise. I’m going to pick you up from the train station.”

Chan noticed the sincerity in his voice and put away his backpack to get to Woojin, who was still sitting on his bed. Woojin opened his arms to welcome him and Chan followed the silent request to hug. Gaining strength through the other’s touch, he felt ready to take on the challenge that was going to be the next day.

***

The uneven shake of the train made Chan jolt slightly in his seat. Usually that would be quiet calming, but he had made the mistake to rest his head against the train window and it resulted in an uncomfortable pounding to his head. However, Chan was thoroughly exhausted and didn’t care anymore. He just wanted to drown in the beautiful landscape outside that he was closest to when he leaned against the cool glass. Chan saw the colors of the scenery fly past him; The yellow and brown of withering and fallen leaves, the dark spots of the wood and the subdued green of barren fields and meadows. The sunset was painting the sky a fiery hue and the receding light made his reflection in the window increasingly visible. After a while, he saw a drained Chan staring back at him. The greyish color of his own image filled with life only by the view behind it.

Chan was already on his way back from his grandma’s memorial service. There was a lot to think about and a lot on his mind, that he felt too exhausted to address. Still, some thoughts were inevitable. There was one question that had occurred to him during the funeral, when everyone was just staring at the coffin with eyes full of sadness and regret. When do you see a person for the last time? And how would it change if people realized that nothing was forever? Everything and everyone could be gone in an instance. Every time you say goodbye to someone it might be the last time you get to do that. Should people remember these things constantly? If you live like that would you have less regrets once their gone, because you could say that you treasured every moment you had together? Maybe, continuously reminding yourself of impermanence would take away the lightheartedness in your everyday life that allows you to enjoy things freely and fully. Maybe, you can’t escape the feeling of regret anyways. People would always think that they could have spend more time with that person, better times. In the end, the only thing Chan could came up with was that one should live life freely and aware of all the people that bring you joy with their love. Once in a while, remembering transience might help appreciate life. After all, you can still find joy in your memories of loved ones.

Chan was shaken out of his reverie by the train unsteadily arriving at the train station he was supposed to get off the train at. He scrambled up, slung his bag over his shoulders and got out of the train onto the platform. Woojin had received a text from him earlier, stating the time of arrival and platform number. He said he would be there to pick him up. Now, as most passengers, Chan was slightly irritated by all the other people, speaker announcements, and signs guiding people’s way. He looked around once, getting back his sense of the location. He looked around twice, looking for the person that was supposed to be awaiting him. He couldn’t see him. Chan checked his phone to see, if he had received a message in which Woojin told him, that he would be running late or something similar. Unlocking his phone already sparked anticipation as he saw the screen saver. Chan had changed it to a photo of them, that they had taken at the Café. However, there was no message other than the “okay” that Woojin had sent as a reply to Chan's arrival information. He scanned the train station another time, starting to get nervous as he still hadn’t caught sight of Woojin. He decided to go sit on a bench on the platform to wait there a little longer. As he was walking over to the bench that he had in mind, he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. In surprise he whirled around. It took him a few seconds of blankly staring at the face in front of him, until his expression changed into one of joy and Chan threw himself into the person’s arms. Woojin was there at last. Of course, he wouldn’t just leave him waiting at the train station. Their faces buried into each other’s shoulders and holding each other tightly, they exchanged small hellos. After creating some distance between them again, Woojin held out his hand for Chan to take. Hand in hand and with smiles on their faces they went back home.

***

Chan's uncle had informed Chan therapist of his grandmother’s death, so that they could schedule an extra session and he just knew that Chan wouldn’t schedule one for himself. After all, they needed to pay for the service and his uncle was basically his only source of money. His uncle and the social support of the government, but for extra therapy sessions it was just Chan's uncle. So, that Tuesday evening, Chan found himself sitting in the plush armchair of his psychotherapist’s office. For the past 30 minutes he had been describing the situation and elaborating on how he has been coping with the loss to her. Talking about his feelings in detail made his mind feel a lot more organized. Voicing his thoughts and knowing someone listens intently was the aspect of therapy that always helps him the most. His therapist would always ask him the right questions to make him come up with a clearer analysis of his emotions. With time he had come to trust her. Today, even though their topic of conversation was a pretty heavy one, he was surprised to feel …proud? As he was talking to her, it became clear that he had been dealing pretty well with the tragedy that had occurred. Even if he was devastated in the beginning, with Woojin's help he had been able to move on rather quickly. After the memorial he had decided that the last chapter of the book that was about Chan's grandmother’s and his journey was closed and that he would simply treasure the memories they had made together. Usually, he wouldn’t be able to decipher what his doctor was thinking about the things he told her, but today even she let her guard down. As he was telling her about the supportive relationship with Woojin and how he gave him the strength to not fall into a bottomless pit of grief, Chan could detect a small smile on her lips. That observation was confirmed when she concluded the therapy session for the day;

“You seem to do better. We can definitely see some progress regarding your thought pattern and coping strategies. I would advise you to not rely only on one person for emotional support, but so far it also seems to be helping with your self-perception. I think you are on a good route. Seeing how you are making progress, we should consider lowering your dosage of Marplan. I’m not talking about a drastic reduction, but just enough to ease your insomnia, which – as you know- occurred as a side effect of the high amount. We could observe, if you can get even better with an improved sleeping schedule. Of course, we would need to monitor any occurring panic attacks closely, but I think it is worth a try. What is your opinion on that matter?”

Chan was a little bit overwhelmed by this suggestion. He noticed that there had been some positive development, but he didn’t expect it to be enough to lower his administered dosage of medication.

“You think that’s possible?” Chan asked unsure.

“Well, I think in this case, you can make the decision for yourself. You can skip the pill in the evening and see how you feel. Just listen to your body and call me if you experience trouble. We would discuss the reaction to the lowered dosage next session.”

“If you say so,” he took a shaky breath,” I will think about it.”

“That’s good. There is no need to rush. Be aware that your body needs some time to adjust. The drug is quickly metabolized you won’t experience just the effects of a smaller dosage. There is something that’s called “antidepressant discontinuation syndrome”. Of course, we are not talking about a complete discontinuation, but in principle it is still a partial discontinuation, well a reduction. What I mean to say is, you might experience some troubles that make you want to take more Marplan again, but if that happens please consider waiting for a few days and see if your body adjusts. I don’t want you to get scared, I just want you to know that one of the most common symptoms with this antidepressant is a state of delirium. It doesn’t need to be like that, the chances are high that all goes smoothly. After all, it would be a rather small change. I just want you to know what could possibly happen.” 

Chan really wasn’t sure about skipping a dose of medication per day. He was scared of the panic attacks that had only diminished after he took two pills a day instead of only one. At the prospect of going back to one pill per day he worried about not being able to handle it. Naturally he despised the panic attacks and how he felt afterwards. The overwhelming and uncontrollable fear that quickly became unbearable. Most of the time it felt like dying to him. The chance of experiencing a slight discontinuation syndrome didn’t help calming him down. Even though they would probably go away in a few days, he would rather not go through that.

Not alone at least.

On another thought, he reminded himself to have some faith. In his ability and in the support of his friends. And Woojin. If they could stay together for the day when he would take only one pill, then maybe he would feel safe enough. The sense of security Woo was able to provide for him might help him stay calm, because even just the thought of a higher probability for a panic attack made him anxious. The thought of Woojin calmed him down.

Chan was scared, but he tried. He really tried to find strength. He would just test it out. If things get worse again, he could just talk to his therapist again, right? He figured, that what he needed was trust. Trust in the fact that everything was going to be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!   
> Please leave me feedback in the comments on how you feel about the story so far, I'm worried that it gets a bit messy for you guys to read. As I said, the build-up that I had planned in my outline turned out to be longer than I thought, but please bear with me!   
> Have a lovely day!!


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, dear reader! ~~ Please, bear with me!! I hope you enjoy this chapter ^^   
> also, I'm so glad we got a message from Woojin and that it seems like he still wants to pursue music! I still need him to release a ballad!! until then we can at least listen to his cover of "so long", especially while reading this chapter hehe :D

“That’s good news, isn’t it?” asked Woojin after having heard that Chan was now allowed to reduce his medication dosage. The two of them were once again sitting on Chan's bed.

Chan had called Woojin right after he had come back from his therapy session and the other had been quick to agree on spending the night together.

“Technically, it is. I mean obviously my therapist thinks I am making progress. But I have some doubts. You know, the panic attacks I used to get scare me a lot. I don’t want to suffer like that again. The high dosage of medication gives me insomnia, sure, but compared to the frequent panic attacks I used to have it’s not that bad. I’d rather not sleep than go through those panic attacks. You know, I still have them sometimes, but believe me when I say it has gotten better,” Chan answered, the tone of his voice reflecting his uncertainty about the matter.

“Do what you think is right. If you want to try skipping the evening dose today, you know that I am here for you, right?” 

“Thank you so much. I appreciate it... you. Actually, sometimes I feel like I ask too much of you. Like this relationship isn’t balanced enough. You just keep taking care of me and supporting me and I have the feeling that I can’t give you much in return,” as Chan was voicing his thoughts, self-doubts that he had ignored the past days or even weeks at this point were resurfacing.

The frustration became evident on his face and Chan started digging his fingernails into his palms. Wo though noticed and took Chan's hands into his without hesitation and caught his gaze.

“Chan, listen to me. What you’re saying isn’t true. You give me so much. You are such a caring person and I feel so honored because of how much you trust me. Don’t feel guilty whenever you need me to comfort you, because I want to comfort you. I want to comfort you whenever you need it, because I want to make you happy. Because I am happy only when you are happy. Do you understand? I love you.”

Woojin looked at Chan with determination and a certainty that left Chan speechless. As he confessed his love to Chan, Woojin sounded absolutely honest. From the bottom of his heart he had absolutely no doubts about it. Like the fact that he loved Chan was the only thing in the world that he knew with absolute certainty.

Chan, upon noticing this, felt his eyes brimming with tears. They were happy tears. An overwhelming amount of feelings welled up in him and he was only able to channel them into tears.

The first tear fell from his fluttering eyelids as he tried to blink the tears away that were obstructing his view.

“I love you too. So much,” Chan choked out, nearly sobbing, but he managed to smile still. Because that was why he was crying in the first place, he was so happy to experience Woojin's love. It was an incredible feeling. He couldn’t put it into words.

As Chan's tears continued to roll down his cheeks, Woojin placed both his palms on the sides of Chan's face and gently rubbed his thumbs over his cheeks to dry his tears. Having wiped the tears away, Woojin leaned in to softly kiss the reddened cheeks.

“Thank you.”

In the end, Chan decided to not take his second pill for the day. He was determined to take a step towards better days. Even though he was anxious of the consequences, lying down in Woojin's arms and watching an episode of their favorite drama Hotel del Luna calmed him down again. Like this they spend the evening and after having finished three episodes they fell asleep.

The next morning, they were walking together to university to catch their first lecture of the day. Holding hands came naturally to them by now. Woojin was lightly swinging their hands in between them, looking around campus with a light smile. He seemed to be admiring the last remaining leaves on the trees and the small birds that sang the songs of approaching winter. In the faint light of dawn, he looked breathtakingly ethereal to Chan. Woojin's fingers, that he had intertwined with his, felt a little bit colder today. The chilly morning air had cooled them down. So, Chan decided to take their hands and put them into his big coat pockets. Woojin looked at him in surprise, but upon realizing that Chan tried to warm their hands in his coat, a smile spread on his face.

“How are you feeling? You really didn’t take the pill yesterday, right?” Woojin asked still a light smile on his face.

“Yeah, so far I feel fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe my mind is a bit clearer today? I don’t really know though.”

Chan really wasn’t quite sure how he felt. He did anticipate some change. However, everything he thought he noticed was probably just the product of him over-analyzing his mental state and by doing so creating some kind of placebo. So, he just felt kind of vary about everything. Still, the fact that he was so attentive was already astounding. Every other day, he probably wouldn’t have had the energy to do that. That was a thing he had been noticing even before though; he had more energy recently. At first, he thought, it must have been Woojin. Their new relationship had been exciting for Chan and experiencing the kind of love they shared had given him the resources to get through his days, even on a minimum of sleep. Recently, when Woojin started staying over at his place for the night, he found himself to be sleeping a lot better.

“Well, I think I slept well tonight,” Chan added and smiled back at Woojin with a meaningful look.

They made it through three boring lectures and another two hours of studying in the library. Chan and Woojin were walking out of the library and headed to the main gates, past which the dorms were located. Nearing said gates, Chan realized that he had to say bye to Woojin soon and with that came a new wave of anxiety. His therapist had said that the adjustment phase of his body to the new dosage would take a few days. What if it gets bad tonight? He would be all alone. Chan didn’t want to go through this. At this point, he thought even just the expectation of a panic attack would cause one. He needed Woojin tonight. Again.

By now they had nearly reached Chan's dorm, where they would bid their goodbyes for the day. Chan was still debating with himself, if it wouldn’t be a burden to Woojin if he asked him to stay the second night in a row.

With a pained look he turned to Woojin, grabbing his wrist to stop him from walking,” Woojin, can you stay the night again?”

Chan had given in to his worries and was now looking at the other with pleading eyes.

“Again?” Woojin asked with wonder in his voice,” Really? Aren’t you sick of me by now?” He continued with a laugh.

“No, how could I ever get bored of you?” Chan exclaimed, nearly offended by the assumption.

“I think I should head home soon though, my mother might get worried even if I text her,” Woojin contemplated.

“Please, just for tonight,” the younger whined. However, he quickly realized how he seemed to pressure Woojin into this. Chan didn’t want to convince the other like this, manipulating him. So, he quickly clarified, “Uhm, I mean of course only if you want to. I’m so sorry I shouldn’t pressure you like this.”

Woojin stared at Chan and noticed how the other was evidently conflicted, “Oh no, don’t be sorry. You know I want to spend time with you,” Woojin blushed a little bit,” It’s kinda cute to be honest, I mean, that you’re whiny about it. I will stay with you for another night, I just gotta head home the next morning for sure. You know even if it’s just to get some stuff and see how my family is doing.”

Woojin let out a quite laugh and Chan relaxed at that. He felt truly blessed to have found such an understanding partner. 

Chan had decided to cook them some scrambled eggs for dinner. Dinner was prepared quickly and soon they were sitting at Chan's small kitchen table, devouring the simple meal. There was a comfortable atmosphere about the room. Even though both, Woojin and Chan, were just quietly munching on their food, the silence was not awkward at all. Exhausted from a full day of studying, they enjoyed the comfort of food and warmth at home.

Checking the time on his phone, Woojin noted,” So, no second pill this evening either?”

“Nope, I think I’m doing well so far,” Chan simply replied with a content smile.

Woojin smiled back, happy for his loved-one. Having noticed that both plates were empty, he started moving to clean up,” Here, let me do the dishes today?”

“Let me help you.”

“No, it’s fine. Did you want to continue watching Hotel Del Luna? You can start setting up the laptop. I’ll be right with you.”

In the small kitchen they naturally stood close to each other, which made it easy for Woojin to observe the other’s reaction to his plan. Chan was visibly hesitant about Woojin cleaning up by himself. To Woojin it wasn’t a big deal at all, but true to Chan's character, the other was just concerned about the littlest things. However, Woojin had found a method that almost always eased Chan's little worries; a small kiss on the nose. So, Woojin did just that, giving Chan a sweet look and quickly placed a kiss on his nose. With great amusement he looked at a now wide-eyed, open-mouthed Chan's, whose ears turned a soft red. Chan just mumbled a small “okay” and went to his room, while Woojin couldn’t help himself and let out a giggle.

On the screen in front of them the eighth episode of Hotel Del Luna started, transporting them right into another universe. Woojin and Chan had gotten comfortable in the covers, snuggled into each other so that they could still catch sight of the laptop sitting at the end of the bed. They had already watched a lot of the TV series in a short time; it was just perfect to unwind from a stress-full day, but still dramatic enough to not put them to sleep right away. It also included a touching love story. About ten minutes into the current episode, Chan started humming along to the soundtrack playing in the background.

“I love the soundtrack a lot. You listened to it too, right? I think “At the end” is my favorite of the OST.”

Chan just loved music so much, that the OST could make or break a new show for him. At this moment though, he was just thoroughly immersed in the atmosphere the song created for the scene.

“Oh, did you hear that? The lyrics say “my love that shines like a dream”! It’s so beautiful,” Chan gushed.

Looking at Woojin with a sheepish smile, he added,” You know, I think I actually like the song just that much, because it reminds me of us. It reminds me of nights like this, when we just cuddle up in the sheets and watch a drama or something. That kind of dreamy tranquility.”

“You’re right, it fits us very well. Especially because it’s a love song,” Woojin smiled, pressing a kiss to Chan's temple.

Chan scrunched his nose,” It sounds so cheesy, when you say it like that.”

Woojin reacted with an expression that mocked offense and replied,” Why? You say cheesy stuff all the time! Why can’t I?”

“No, it’s fine. I wouldn’t want to have it any other way, anyways. I love being cheesy with you,” Chan consoled, giggling at Woojin's adorable behavior.

Having decided to stop his teasing, Chan curiously asked,” What is your favorite song off the OST?”

Woojin gave it a thought, “Well, I do like “At the end”, but I think my favorite is “So long”. I really like the singers voice and how he conveys emotion.”

“Oh, I love that song too, but I can’t listen to it very well. It’s so sad. I mean, it goes “like a dream, that disappears after a night I’m afraid I’ll forget you”. It’s a good song, but I prefer a more positive message,” Chan was slightly disturbed thinking about this song. It was beautiful for sure. However, as much as it was beautiful it was heartbreaking.

“I think about the song a bit differently. First of all, in order to make it sad, you need a lot of love in the first place, right? Think about how much they must’ve loved each other. That alone is a blessing even if it ends in tears. And then, the lyrics in the end say “Our encounter was short, but you made me blossom like destiny”. That means, only good memories were left with that person. Memories that will help them continue on their way. I think that’s very valuable, but, well, I agree that it’s somewhat bittersweet,” Woojin finished his argumentation with a tentative smile, observing Chan for his reaction.

It was evident that Chan understood the other’s reasoning, but with a pout he insisted,” It’s still too sad for me,” after pausing for a few seconds, he continued,” it makes me realize, that one day you might say “so long” to me too."

Woojin was quick to reply to that. Sure of himself, he established eye contact with Chan and assured, “Why would I do that, my love? I will stay as long as you will have me.”

Mouth slightly ajar by this statement, Chan's eyes became teary for a second.

Feeling lucky, he then took his chance, “I will have you forever then.”

Woojin smiled. Chan smiled. And like the magnetic forces of the universe were pulling at them, they connected, leaving no space between them. Their lips found each other and exchanged greetings in a deliberate kiss. But once they fell into each other’s orbit the pull grew stronger. The kiss became more and more intense. The atmosphere grew feverish as shirts were taken off to get impossibly closer and their mouths were connecting again. No sense of identity anymore as both felt so intensely for each other that they might have been the same entity. Like stars colliding, they were fusing just to explode into something limitless. Being so close felt truly cosmic, leaving all mundane worries behind them and floating through the eternity of the universe carefree.

Chan felt Woojin's hands roam his back and his fingers drawing intriguing patterns between his shoulder blades. His mind got hazy, from Woojin's touch and also from the oxygen he was missing in favor of deeper kisses. Noticing Chan's response to the kisses getting messier, Woojin moved his mouth to Chan's neck, effectively driving Chan insane. Chan, in response, let his head fall back and moaned in pleasure. He had half a mind to be embarrassed by the noise he just made, but Woojin lips felt so good that he decided to indulge himself. Especially, when he felt teeth grace a particularly sensitive spot. Chan let out another whimper at that and he was almost certain that he felt Woojin smile against his skin in response. Teasingly slow Woojin's kisses trailed along his collar bones; here and there sucking at his skin rather harshly making Chan curse under his breath. Chan was sure he would find some violet marks blooming on him in the morning.

Time flew by that night, but eventually both of them were exhausted and just content to rest tangled up in each other, wrapped up in their sheets. Ultimately, falling asleep together with Woojin was still Chan's favorite moment in a day and he wished they could do this every day for all their life.

When Chan woke up the next morning, he didn’t want to open his eyes right away. Rather, he wanted to revel in the events of last night like he could just fall asleep and dream of it. He didn’t wake up because of his alarm anyways, that must mean that they still had time until Woojin and him would need to get ready. Seeking for the other's additional warmth, he rolled over in his bed, tangled up in the sheets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! I'm sorry if the uhm "make-out session" was awkward to read, I haven't written stuff like that before, I think I didn't quite get the mood right in the beginning. Anyways, so, the soundtrack stuff is actually accurate. I haven't finished Hotel Del Luna yet, but I listened to the soundtrack while writing this and then I thought maybe I can find nice inspirational lyrics to reference. And I did! So, go listen to Chungha's "At the end" and Paul Kim's "So long"(well, or Woojin's cover) !! <3 However, let me know if it feels odd to read about something so specific? Like is it weird to read about something that's accessible to us? Idk if that makes sense, but when I am writing I usually think about a world that's completely separate from us and especially in fanfiction I often prefer to write in an ambiguous setting, because the reader usually provides some kind of context?? Like is it set in Seoul is it set in   
>  an english-speaking city? You know, it just can't be accurate regarding these details, I'm not educated enough to do that, so if I don't give any implication or any evidence for the cultural setting then you won't really think about it, right? As a reader you just create an idea that works, but if there is one small element that would only exist in a specific context then you would need to make everything else fit in??? I mean the internet makes pop-culture international, but it's still something that relates to the real world in a direct manner. Of course, the characters do too, but we already establish from the very beginning that we put them in an alternative universe? Does that make any sense?? Let me know!! Soo, anyways I hope you enjoyed this chapter and that you are excited for the final chapter! Have a nice day!!


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very sorry that it took me so much time to update! I just kinda had a writers block and I was too sad to write something, but also not sad enough. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the last chapter of this story even though I feel like it turned out to be a bit messy. I'm very happy that you are reading this story until the end!

Seeking for Woojin's additional warmth, Chan rolled over in his bed, tangled up in the sheets. He rolled over and turned onto his other side completely. But how? Where was the person he was searching for? He had expected to be stopped in his movement half way by Woojin's sleeping form and to be able to just cuddle a bit closer to him. However, the only thing he sensed was an unsettling empty expanse of mattress. Chan opened his eyes and rubbed a bit of sleep out of them. Looking around the room he found it to be empty. Chan checked the time to see if he maybe overslept and Woojin just left for university already. No, he had not overslept. Grabbing his phone from the night stand, he checked his messages to see if Woojin just had to leave for another reason and had texted him. No, Woojin hadn’t texted him either. So, Chan decided to check the kitchen. Maybe Woojin was preparing breakfast. It was an unrealistic idea, considering the apartment was eerily quiet, no sound to be heard. Chan stood up quickly and rushed out of his room. To his disappointment there was no one in the kitchen either. He looked around to see if Woojin had left a note somewhere after he left his apartment. But there was nothing. Quickly Chan also checked the small bathroom; it was empty as well. Back in the kitchen, he sat down at the table. His mind running a mile a minute he tried to make sense of the situation. As he was staring at the smooth surface of the table in front of him, he noticed that there was still a dirty plate left behind. Had Woojin only washed half the dishes yesterday? How did that make any sense? After a while Chan decided that staring down a plate wouldn’t answer his questions, so he just sent Woojin a message asking where he had gone and decided to get ready for the day to hopefully meet the other in class.

Stepping under the shower, he didn’t quiet knew what to do. Taking a shower should be easy. In fact, it usually was easy, but Chan was still preoccupied with all kinds of scenarios and ideas as to why Woojin had left. In his distracted state showering took about 20 minutes. Usually it took him about 10 minutes, if he used conditioner. Due to the size of his bathroom, he stood right in front of his mirror as soon as he stepped out of the shower. His reflection in the mirror was only slightly obscured by the steam of the hot water. So, Chan was still forced to take in his appearance; having thought about last night over and over he was automatically checking for the little bruises that he expected. Contrary to Chan's expectations his skin seemed to be as pale and spot-less as it used to be. Maybe Woojin's hands and lips had felt more intense and passionate on him last night than they had been in reality. His skin was starting to tingle as he observed it with scrutiny. Realizing defeatedly that staring wouldn’t give him more answers, he finally got dressed. Chan threw on a comfy hoodie, then decided to forego breakfast and grabbed an apple, before he went out the door and towards the lecture hall.

As he was nearing the entrance to the lecture hall of the economics faculty, Chan's heart rate was starting to increase, his hands got clammy in anticipation. Woojin had said it before, he would need to go home for a while to change, get some stuff and show his mother that he hadn’t abandoned her or something. Chan understood that, he would have done the same. You shouldn't worry your family. He had realized that he had been taking up a lot of Woojin's time recently. If it was just that - Woojin needing to pick something up before class – then he would probably find him already sitting in the lecture hall. Right?

Chan sat down on his usual seat in the lecture hall. However, Woojin was nowhere to be seen. There were still a few more minutes left until the start of class, maybe he would show up in time.

He did not. Woojin did not show up to their first class and an uncomfortable feeling settled and grew in Chan's stomach. Chan wasn’t able to concentrate on whatever the professor said. It was all just a blur. He constantly checked his phone for a message, speculated about Woojin's whereabouts and ruffled his hair in frustration every once in a while. Chan got a headache, and it was just his luck that he had another economics lecture right after, even in the same room. So, he braced himself to suffer for another 90 minutes.

He looked around the room too see, if anyone else had joined for the second period. Indeed, there was now another student sitting in his row of seats. It was Doyoung, who was usually sitting in the same row as Woojin and him. So, Chan decided to ask him, if he had seen Woojin on campus by any chance.

Doyoung, after Chan had asked him his question, just looked at him with furrowed eyebrows and answered in a concerned tone:” Woojin? “

“Yes, he usually sits next to me and a few seats to your right, always in this row,” Chan assured him.

“No, I don’t know who you mean to be honest. Well… okay listen, Chan, I know we don’t talk a lot, but are you okay? You’ve been staring into the distance a lot lately. I noticed that you seem to be tired most of the time, but you should really concentrate on the lectures. I mean we are graduating soon, you know,” and with that Doyoung send him another concerned look and focused back on his notes in front of him, demonstrating to him what he should do too.

Chan was confused. Why did Doyoung not know who he was talking about? Had Doyoung just been that focused on the lecture, so that he didn’t even notice his surroundings? Occupied with those thoughts, he essentially missed the whole of the second lecture as well. He was physically present, but his mind was somewhere else.

During his professor’s monologue about whatever marketing system was today’s topic, Chan felt a fatigue wash over him as his thoughts about Woojin's absence were running wild. Noticing his sudden exhaustion, he briefly noted that it saved his brain from going into overdrive at least. Still spacing out, Chan's thoughts calmed down a bit. Then he drew a blank.

_You will be okay_

_I’m with you_

Chan's eyes widened. Was that Woojin's voice? He whipped his head around to where Woojin usually sat in class. It was still empty. Chan was confused and disturbed. He couldn’t take it anymore. Without much thinking, he got up and bolted out of the lecture hall. After a few seconds of running through the corridors like he was being chased by a criminal, he found himself in the university’s bathroom, sitting on the lid of the shut toilette.

He buried his face in his hands, in an attempt to gain stability. Not physically, but mentally. His thoughts were a mess, Chan tried making sense of what had happened today and what it meant. However, it was all just too much. Emotions were bubbling inside of him, eliciting different sensations and his thoughts were just all over the place. At some point, Chan lost his composure, tears spilling out of his eyes. At first, he didn’t notice, to preoccupied with coming to terms with what he was experiencing, but then he felt the wetness on his hands. As he realized that he was crying, even the last bit of composure went out of the window, and he was downright sobbing in the bathroom stall. To his luck, he was the only occupant of the bathroom, since everyone else was in class. Then again, Chan didn’t really care anyways. Right now, there was only Woojin on his mind, Woojin and his disappearance. There was no confirmation that Woojin had left him and wouldn't come back, but Chan just knew. Deep down he just knew. It hurt so much. Knowing that he wouldn’t come back anymore. He felt the emptiness inside - a pain in his chest, where a part of him had been ripped away. 

Slowly Chan was able to put two and two together. Recognizing the state his mental health had been in, he began questioning his perception. Suddenly hearing Woojin's voice but not seeing the other next to him in class just now was what had tipped him off. His therapist had told him that hallucinations could occur due to his severe insomnia, but Woojin had felt so real. How could it be? Thinking about it, Chan didn’t know a lot about Woojin in the first place. He had never met any of his family members or even went to his house. Woojin had also never talked about himself too much. But Chan and him had gone on study dates, went to the café near by and they have had sleepovers together. So, he must have actually been there, right? Then again, Doyoung had mentioned him starring off into the distance in class a lot lately. Chan thought he was paying attention most of the time though; taking notes, comparing them with Woojin and asking him for a small explanation once in a while. Chan thought about other people that could know Woojin. He came out empty handed. The only people that came to his mind were Changbin and Jisung. Then Chan remembered the incidence where him and Woojin met the two on campus as his friends were in a hurry to get to class. As they were talking afterwards, they, well, they didn’t remember seeing him. They didn’t remember seeing him. So, could it be, that Woojin had never even been there? It was all in Chan's head? But…

Chan shut his eyes, tensing up as he relived his memories with Woojin; the first time they met, their first movie night, their first kiss, their first –

Ch felt a stinging sensation in his chest, as he felt a touch on his shoulder, which quickly vanished as he opened his eyes out of shock. He was alone.

Numbness was spreading in him. Suddenly all his thoughts were gone, his head empty. Chan made his way out of the bathroom slowly, like a person that was just recovering from two broken legs.

It was a bit chilly already as winter approached. Still, Chan, found a seat at one of the benches in the green area on campus. He sat down not knowing what to do. Jisung and Chan would probably join him in about an hour, since this was their usual place to have lunch at.

Chan needed some time to come to terms with what he had discovered. He didn’t want it to be true, but his conclusion seemed to be logical. Still, it appeared to be hastened. And completely absurd. Why would he just suddenly conclude that Woojin had been a figment of his imagination all along just because he was absent without an explanation? Maybe, he just needed space. Maybe he just needed to look after his family… which Chan had never met or knew anything about. Woojin could have just been fed up with him, Chan thought. He always wondered why Woojin would take a liking to him, when even Chan found himself hard to love.

Chan noticed that he was about to start ruminating again and stopped himself from overthinking by taking out his phone. Out of reflex he opened the messaging app. Woojin's contact wasn’t there anymore. It should’ve been on top of all the different conversations listed in the app, but it was nowhere to be found. The whole contact was gone. Uncomfortable with what he was about to discover he opened the gallery on his phone and scrolled through the pictures he had taken lately. The photos Woojin and him had taken in the café should be there. Chan smiled sadly at the beautiful memory. The two of them had a great time that day. Chan did find some photos that he took in the café. However, they were photos showing just him. Just some selfies. Chan felt a tear silently making its way down his face. So, it was true after all. Woojin had been a hallucination.

Chan felt left alone again. Dissolving into tears, he buried his face in his arms resting on the table. He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that all of the love and appreciation Woojin had given him was an illusion. He had basically lied to himself. Chan couldn’t believe that it had not been real. He couldn’t believe that he would probably never see Woojin again or at least that he would never get to experience Woojin's presence like this ever again. 

In the end, no one had loved him. Chan had been overjoyed to have finally found a significant other, someone who seemed to make this cruel world bearable. Someone who held Chan tight when he felt like he was spiraling down into a bottomless pit of anxiety once again. Someone who felt like home and happiness. But Woojin wasn’t real. He hadn’t actually been there. It had all just been in his head. No one had been holding him tight. No one had been his home. No one had been his happiness. No one had loved him.

Woojin had been the main source of his happiness for the past few months and him disappearing felt like his world just shattered into pieces. He had been alone all this time. How could you miss someone, who never existed in the first place, that much?

Thinking back to how lively he had been when he had been together with Woojin, made him question if it really had been just a cruel lie or if he could treasure those memories as genuinely happy ones. It confused him to the point where he wasn’t able to even form coherent thoughts anymore.

Chan dried his tears. Schooling his expression into one of indifference. After all, he was used to troubling thoughts and tragic situations like these. He shouldn’t worry the other students who had been witnessing his mental breakdown just now. Jisung and Changbin would arrive soon.

And they did. With surprised expressions Jisung and Changbin had spotted Chan at the table and joined him.

“Hey, what’s up? Didn’t expect you to be here.”

“Yeah, how come you’re eating lunch with us and not studying at the library with Woojin?”

At his friends’ inquiries, Chan was only able to huff out a defeated laugh and answer,” I just felt like eating with you today.”

“Oh, but where is your food then,” Jisung asked curiously.

Chan remembered the apple that was sitting in his backpack. However, he didn't feel like eating at all. In fact, he felt like as soon as he would try to swallow something he would throw it back up right away. So, he wasn’t sure about how he should answer Jis question.

Apparently, it didn’t matter though, because Changbin asked another question,” Speaking of Woojin, you wanted to introduce him to us, right? How about we meet up with him for lunch tomorrow. Then we can go to the recording studio afterwards?”

Chan's expression darkened. It was hard to keep up his façade when they were asking so directly.

“There’s no need. He won’t be there.”

He just couldn’t say more than that. Another word about his circumstances would have probably ended in another crying session.

“Oh okay. Maybe another time then,” Jisung said, noticing that Chan wasn’t too enthusiastic about the topic anymore. Chan was thankful for his friends ability to let go of a conversation that was clearly making him uncomfortable. jisung and Changbin were good at interpreting their friend's behavior. Chan was glad to have them in his life.

Changbin observed Chan with a concerned look on his face and started carefully,” Are you okay though? You’ve scheduled a few extra sessions with your therapist, right?”

Chan studied his hands that were positioned in his lap and took in a shaky breath,” Yeah, we lowered the dosage of my medication, because my panic attacks have been less frequent the past weeks. It’s alright. I can sleep better.” 

He looked up at his friends with a conflicted gaze.

“And the side effects are gone now too.”

Without another word, Chan grabbed his back, got up and went away. His vision blurred by the tears pooling in his eyes once again, he walked back to his dorm. In a state similar to dissociation he reached his small apartment, Chan only reconnected with himself when he sat down at his small kitchen table and locked his gaze on the dirty dish from last night. It was still dirty, because he had used it and not washed it afterwards. It was still dirty, because Woojin had not eaten with him and hadn’t done their dishes afterwards. A heavy sensation settled in Chan's bones. It was as if he was getting dragged down by something – disillusion. Disenchantment. What he had experienced today must be similar to a breakup. He surely felt heartbroken. It’s a difficult concept though when the person, who you loved dearly and who you thought loved you dearly, turned out to be a product of your own imagination. If Woojin had loved him and he had loved Woojin, then had he just love himself? Or did he just wish to love himself? Chan, for the longest time, thought he was unlovable, due to all the trouble he went through in the past. Even if it was just a hallucination, he still got to experience what it felt like to love and to be loved. Now, he just had to decide if it was a less valuable experience if no other person had been involved. How much did it matter?

With a heavy heart, he convinced himself that there was no point in missing Woojin. After all, Woojin was basically himself. And Chan had been Woojin. So, could he really truly leave him? During the time they were together Woojin taught Chan a lot. Self-acceptance, self-worth and resilience. Chan noticed that Woojin had not only been a hallucination, but also a coping mechanism. His anxiety got better because he found strength in himself through Woojin. He helped him to get back on his feet. Chan had gained hope through his progress with Woojin. In the end, was the pain he was experiencing right now good or bad? Maybe he could call them growing pains? Chan hoped that he could continue to get better and that he would be able to find Woojin in another person. Some day.

Chan still just really wished Woojin to be back by his side now; to walk side by side and to stay together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this story! Honestly, I feel like this chapter got rather messy and I'm not too happy with my overall writing, like I need to chill with the anaphorae. It's just that I lost touch with the story in the beginning and the end because I just took my sweet damn time continuing the writing. However, I am glad I finished this. Not just because it was making me sad when I wrote it, but also because it's my first chaptered fic that I have finished so far. I hope my writing improved somewhat? Even though as I said, I'm not too happy with my writing in the last chapter. It's interesting though, because English is my second language and I used to be fairly confident while writing, but then if you write long stories like that, only then you notice that you still have a lot to learn.   
> Anyways, please leave me comments about what you think of the story line, your experience reading this and also feel free to criticize my writing style! I hope you have a nice day! Also, I hope that it wasn't too sad?? Like, I hope you noticed that you are supposed to take that sliver of positivity with you as consolation?   
> Also please listen to Day6's Like a flowing wind - I think it fits the ending of this chapter - and I am You by skz, but I mean personally I can't listen to that song too well anymore, you probably know why  
> Thank you again for finishing this story!! I love youuu all ~

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading. Feel free to leave a comment or some constructive criticism. I would appreciate it! Also, I want to assure you that the writing is going to improve. My creative writing skills are just a bit rusty, because all I have been writing lately is research papers lol. But then again english is also not my first language, so we will see about that :D


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